Kitten's Thought's

Mi-e frică

2009-12-09T23:52:00.001-05:00

I'm scared.

Mad, again.

2009-11-12T14:48:00.002-05:00

I'm mad, and its a horrible madness because its mixed with sadness, uncertainty, and regret.

"I'm seeing red again."

Yet another day that I feel alone.

2009-11-12T13:12:00.002-05:00

There is no simpler way to put it other than "I feel alone." Even though I do not like to say those words aloud, there is no denying the feeling.

"Misery loves company,.
Company loves more.
More loves everybody else.
But hell is others."

And breathe..not breathe..

2009-09-04T23:57:00.000-04:00

As cautiously entered my heart is your golden arrow, Jingle bells, bells, bells, The sky is sparkling, blazing fires, In the heart yearns blinding explosion. Beats and breaks out lights, its size is large, It would be better not to watch and not think, hid her face in the petals ... Do not keep it, do not pay, do not destroy, I think I found everything I need. The whole world will stop spinning for a moment, And look, do not see enough, and breathe not breathe, Do not break the silence Radiating lights ... Maybe this is just a new illusion, ephemeral and sweet deception But the desert ended abruptly, Before me the ocean: The waves and seagulls, sky and the wind of hope, But I'm afraid to touch the water. The whole world will stop spinning for a moment, And look, do not see enough, and breathe not breathe, Do not break the silence Radiating lights ... Connect palms, and the time for them to stop their run, And do not magically disappear and secrets do not dry up for ever, Pure nectar solar dreams and desires, Two colored tube in a thin glass ... Hold for a moment, I want to stay here, And look, do not see enough, and breathe not breathe, Do not break the silence Radiating glow .. Fortunately there to grief there, each heart has its own golden arrow, Sunsets, sunrises and rays in the corners of his eyes shining, The views there are, full circle, Quietly floating feather in the wind...

...

2009-07-07T12:39:00.003-04:00

No one cares if your miserable...

So you might as well be happy!

Pit.

2009-04-24T16:08:00.003-04:00

I woke to a blinding light strapped to a table, the light burned my eyes. All I could see is white, then 3 tall people wearing black entered the room telling me that I was a evil being and I needed to be purged in order to live.
I tried to focus on their faces, but I couldn't see their faces (they had their hoods on). Even with the bright light their faces were hidden within the black abyss of their hoods.
They brought out a syringe, it had a gold liquid in it, I laid completely still not wanting to give them the satisfaction of my screams of pain. Then injected me with the gold liquid on my palm, which I thought was strange. It didn't hurt..not even when the needle pierced through my skin. I laid silently looking at the injection point. The wound caused by the needle had healed, but I suddenly felt...warm. The warmness spread from my palm to my arm to the rest of my body. It wasn't uncomfortable but it tingled. I continued to wonder what will happen when this gold liquid stopped spreading...will it hurt? I could feel it stop moving through my veins, I laid- frozen by fear of what was next. It seemed like I waited a very long time, then I suddenly felt cold- the gold liquid was freezing inside me and I couldn't help but smile because when asked if I would rather die in fire or ice I told them both, On one hand I would want the fire to burn me so it would be fast, and on the other hand I would want to perish in ice so my body will be perfectly preserved. The liquid slowly turned into ice within my body, it felt like a cold burning... and there I laid smiling and laughing to myself which made the black hooded figures upset and they injected my other palm with the same gold liquid a beautiful mixture of the fire and ice slowly destroyed me inside and I was left as a empty shell, smiling even in death.

Repeating the past.

2009-04-09T22:56:00.003-04:00

The dream I had on Wednesday made me think, and laugh, it was a very strange dream but which of my dreams are ever normal? Tehe. That is why it has taken this long for me to write it down, cause I have been trying to break it down and see what it all means, and in the end I said screw it a dreams a dream, I will always have them, so I will just dream them and laugh at myself for thinking of such things subconsciously.

I was lying asleep in bed, I could see the sparkling and swirling of colors behind my closed eyelids, then I felt a sharp pain on my neck. I woke up to a snake biting me, striking me all over my neck, chest, arms, anywhere it could get to. My sister was in the distance laughing at it all. I didnt scream I grabbed the snakes head as it went to strike again, I tore its head off and went to my mother telling her that my sister tried to kill me with the snake, I gave her the snakes head as proof, my sister denied doing it and my mother believed her. I remember laying on the bed feeling the vemon move inside me, I had a fever and even though I was sweating I was freezing. The venom tore me apart inside and out, I didnt scream I just sat there and thought about things, *why did my sister do this to me?* I continuously thought, unable to come to a conclusion. Needless to say with so many bites, and so much venom. I died.

Then I opened my eyes, half expecting to be in hell, or where ever people go these days.

But unfortunatly I was still alive, just in another place. People called me by a diffrent name but this body that looked like mine responded to it.

In this new house I lived at, I kept having visions of a man hurting himself, he would cut himself, and he would bleed till he passed out, and each time I went to help him, he would fade into nothing. Then there were men who lived there with me, they had fangs and enjoyed the taste of human flesh. They wouldnt eat me for some odd reason, but I stayed with them and they protected me. One day the guys were out feeding, and I just got home when I saw that man sitting there hurting himself again, when it came to the part where I go to help him like always, I blinked, and I took his place in the chair where he sat hurting himself, there was this little voice in the back of my head saying "Silly girl...why must you always do what you are told?" it sighed and laughed as I looked down at the blood pouring from my wounds *I didnt do this to myself...this isnt real...it isnt real...* I kept thinking, but no matter how hard I thought I was imagining this, I kept bleeding, the voice in my head spoke again "We will always repeat the past...no matter what, your no exception..." I closed my eyes, and when I opened them I was awake.

Results..or not?

2009-03-23T02:36:00.001-04:00

A night of fighting, screaming, crying. Placing blame and declairing hatred, sure does lead to strange dreams.I woke up on a circle platform. There were three others there with me, we where all chained up, though we had enough chain to move around and we could almost touch. But right before we touched the chain ran short. The others were sobbing and screaming, I sat there thinking not knowing what to make of this whole situation. They kept trying to reach each other then tried to break their chains, with what thought? I wondered, all there was here was us and the chains. Then 2 men appeared, I cant seem to remember their faces, though I know they were taller than me. They knew me apparently, they kept directing their hatred toward me, kept talking and teasing us all. Then the circle split into three peices each of us were left alone. It was dark and I couldnt see anything but the darkness, the others screamed out to one another. I just sat there in the darkness, then I was grabbed by the two men who threw me into the back of a car. It was bright and lovely outside, but there where these huge funnels in the sky like the ones that form a tornado but they were oddly shaped and contorted one was bent over us. Then there was someone in the back with me who wasnt there before, *Great, im going crazy.* I thought to myself but this person was there but not there. She explained to me about the funnels they now covered the sky, the clouds now darkening to almost pitch black, the men looked around and talked amongst themselves about what they should do they kept shooting glances at me but it didnt worry me, If they dont kill me this storm will I kept thinking so it didnt really matter to me. Three of the funnels touched down right by the car the men screamed, all I did was close my eyes and smile. Then when I opened my eyes expecting oblivion, I was in the middle of the city we were driving through, but it was all destroyed. Then I woke up.

Painful thinking

2009-03-22T00:18:00.002-04:00

Swimming swimming just keep swimming...

His death, and what it brought on.

2009-03-13T22:47:00.003-04:00

It was a good day to start with, I went through my regular repetitive schedule, shop, clean, feed the family, clean more. When I took a moment to relax I got a phone call.
"Hello?"
"Lewis is dead, his heart stopped." He said through heart broken tears over his lost younger brother.
"...What happened?"
"Tiny (Lewis' son) went in there to get him for dinner and..." He kept choking on his words as he cried.
*Moment of silence as I was shocked at what he told me, I listened to him crying, I pictured in my head what he must have looked like there holding the phone crying. Then I imagined the body of his now dead brother, laying on the bed, eyes closed like he was sleeping.*
"I hope he went painlessly...I'm sorry Paul."
"I have to call some other people, Ill call you back later, Bye."
"....Goodbye."

I felt horrible for not crying like he was. My father cried, when my brother arrived from home, he was crying, Ashley looked sad but that was probably because Chris was.
I was the one who had to pretend to be cheerful and happy for them, to make them feel better.
I did the usual "He is probably in a better place" line, but then again my belief system differs from theirs.
I havnt cried, Ive just thought about it, "How can he be dead, I saw him last month, if not sooner...He has three kids...they are probably sad, poor Heather, I hope she will be ok she is already depressed now add her fathers death to the bunch of things to be sad about."
Does anything I think matter though?
No.
Does it help any?
No
Does it bring people back from the grave?
No.
They are looking at me like im a heartless bitch, because I didnt cry.

Death

2009-03-13T22:42:00.002-04:00

Am I a bad person cause I didnt cry when I got the news that another person I love? (well loveD now) Am I a bad person cause I was the one who had to call other people and tell them about his death and I wasnt in tears? Am I a bad person cause I am the one who has to seem happy and cheerful when really I want to scream and protest that this cant be happening, not to him.
While everyone else is crying and remembering old times, Im the one who has to reassure them that its ok. Am I a bad person because I wont go to the funeral because I refuse to see his body there in the coffin and know that is only a empty shell?
Am I?

Eyes opened?

2009-03-07T01:59:00.001-05:00

I have always heard the theory "For every sad person there is a happy person."
This always seemed logical to me, for I was always apart of the "sad people" and it seemed like EVERYONE I knew was a "happy person". But know that Im happy, it seems like almost everyone I know is sad, and when I look around all I see is sad people, but when I was sad all I saw were happy people in love.
But was I being shown what I didnt want to be taught a lesson and have my eyes opened?
If so then why isnt everyone elses eyes opened?

Dreams of dying.

2009-02-16T11:48:00.002-05:00

I dreamt that I was searching.
Searching...
Searching...
Then I stopped as I found something, It wasnt at all what I was looking for, But hey, I found something!
It was a music box, playing an all to familiar song.
The song played on asphyxiating me, And I noticed that I was dying.
Then I spent forever thinking about how painless and beautiful dying had been,
nothing at all what I expected from death.
Then, I awoke in the dream, and I was back with the music box.
I stopped and listened once more, but the once beautiful music turned morose, then to funeral music.
I blinked, And I was looking over my body, in a coffin.
I was dead, I could touch my body, feel the chill of death on my skin.
It was my funeral, And no one was there to mourn me, but me.

Alone Perhaps?

2009-02-16T11:01:00.005-05:00

Even though I'm not "Alone", I feel so.
I feel the doubt creeping into me, filling me with artificial fear.
But then I laugh at myself, as I have always told others I am not afraid of anything.
Then as the fear paralysis me I can only think of what I can do next, not that I will do it, But it is always nice to think, Should I tell my family I love them tomorrow? Should I ease the pain I selfishly and unconciously inflicted on my friends? Should I just stop questioning myself and let the dubiety take hold?
Stupid girl, the ambivalence is ripping you apart. Is it worth all this though?
Am I that selfish?
Probably.
And im scared of that.

Guilt.

2009-02-16T10:51:00.003-05:00

Let the pain of guilt wrack my soul,
let me feel the pain that I have unconsciously inflicted on others.
I deserve it, I know I do.
It haunts me in the form of nightmares during my escape from reality,
I'm always running into guilt.
The unrelenting pain breaks my heart and shatters my soul,
Though I imagine what I do hurts others more than my guilt,
So I deserve it, I will gladly take the pain.
How masochistic.

Love.

2009-02-16T10:50:00.001-05:00

"Love is but the discovery of ourselves in others, and the delight in the recognition."

Perhaps another dream.

2009-02-07T10:55:00.002-05:00

In my dreams lately, I'm alone, no one is there for me, no one who ever LIKES me.
At first it makes me sad that I'm alone, the fact that everyone I love, hates me.
As I take their beating, and tongue lashings, I become indiffrent, immune.
The lonliness and hate slowly seep into my soul, and as they continue to beat me, I take it, and the pain feels like a lovers caress, I smile and close my eyes, and then, I wake up.

Dream..

2009-01-31T11:27:00.002-05:00

In my dream no one wanted me here anymore, I was forced to leave and not to come back.
I wandered and walked for years, till one day my wandering brought me to what was once my home. I came to this store to get food that was a few miles from where my old house use to be, I stopped there, people looked at me like I had the plauge, then the owner of the store started talking to me, but there was a strange edge in his voice, then when he was done talking to me, he said "I know who you are", and I thought "Am I really not wanted here? Do they really hate me so?" I looked at the man, almost pleading that he let me be, All I wanted was to get some food, then he and everyone else that was in that store turned against me and started to gang up on me, then I screamed and I burst out of my skin, it was a wonderfully painful feeling, I turned into a dragon, with beautiful white and pale blue scales, everyone gasped as I flew away, I was surprised too, I didnt know I could do that.
I flew to my old house, after landing in the tree's, I snuck in through the back door, it was night time, no one should be awake I thought, But as I came in, I ran into my grandmother, she was so happy to see me she started hugging me and kissing me and crying, I was so happy she wanted me there, then I saw my grandfather who acted like he hated me, and it made me sad to see him like that.
Then I asked my grandma if I could get some of my old clothing, she led me to my old room, everything was as I left it years ago, untouched, Ashley was there and happy to see me, I was glad, she helped me pack clothing but insisted that I stayed, I told her about the incident at the store, and she nodded and said "Yes, its best if you go" she looked pained though at saying it.
Someone was coming near the room, so Ashley told me to hide, I hide beside the bed my sister Jessica came in, and asked Ashley why she was in my room, I then exposed myself to her, she gasped and ran to me, hugging me, and I explained everything to her, and she also helped me pack bags. My grandfather had called the town, and told them I was there, I heard them outside approaching the house yelling for me, then my father and grandfather tried to break my bedroom door down, I jumped out the door, and I tore apart, and reformed into my dragon self and flew into the moon, then I woke up.

Sucess of Love

2009-01-25T15:52:00.001-05:00

" The success of love is in the loving- it is not in the result of loving. Of course it is natural in love to want the best for the other person, but whether it turns out that way or not does not determine the value of what we have done". Mother Teresa

Relationship.

2009-01-22T14:56:00.000-05:00

"A relationship is like a rose, How long it lasts, no one knows; Love can erase an awful past, Love can be yours, you'll see at last; To feel that love, it makes you sigh, To have it leave, you'd rather die; You hope you've found that special rose, 'Cause you love and care for the one you chose."

-Rob Cella

2009-01-21T20:40:00.002-05:00

Amoris vulnus idem sanat, qui facit.

Found.

2009-01-16T15:19:00.001-05:00

I was wandering, searching,
When the universe told me to sit down,
I sat down, and found what I had been searching for.

Happiness.

2009-01-12T10:17:00.002-05:00

Maybe there is no reason to cry, to be in pain.
But there is still no reason as to why we live, We simply do it.
Same with happiness.
So why should I sentence myself to unending sadness when I can be happy?
But every time I find happiness it slowly slips away, Leaving my veins burning from the draining euphoric high. But despair and loneliness accepts me with open arms embracing me body and soul, no reassurances of future happiness, just the empty feeling.

All is fair in love and war.

2009-01-12T08:25:00.002-05:00

The person who said: All is fair in love and war, Obviously wasn't the person being hurt!

2009-01-12T08:24:00.002-05:00

"Love vanquishes time. To lovers, a moment can be eternity, eternity can be the tick of a clock."

Imaginative Scene

2009-01-11T23:01:00.003-05:00

It was once my scene of imagination,
In condensed doses of love, happiness, and hope, Shining brighter.

But now my scene of imagination is a graveyard,
Barren, hopeless, happiness is gone, though there is still faint signs of life,
Wanting bloodshed and pain to others, but my heart is still so frail it cant keep up with the
sudden hate towards happiness, and those who possess happiness.
My heart doesn't understand the sudden outrage that fills my mind,
Its confused,
I'm confused.

Happiness.

2009-01-10T22:49:00.002-05:00

So long I had your hand to hold, then in a heartbeat I was again alone.
Now with eyes full of emptiness and chagrin, I suffer through life alone.
Walls block my way to happiness, So I stay in the cracks of emotions, briefly tasting happiness
only to have it crudely taken away from me.
Only to have myself to blame, questioning myself with questions there is no answer to,
it happened cause it was meant to be, I was never meant to be happy.

2009-01-10T01:47:00.001-05:00

Continuing to feel the beating of a phantom organ.

Either way you still bleed.

2009-01-07T20:10:00.002-05:00

Love is like a knife, it can stab the heart or it can carve wonderful images into the soul that will last a lifetime.

It takes time.

2009-01-06T19:51:00.001-05:00

It takes a minute to have a crush on someone, an hour to like someone, and a day to love someone... but it takes a lifetime to forget someone.

Dreaming of Slaughter.

2009-01-06T14:41:00.003-05:00

In my dream, I was a ghost, loved ones were looking for me, I cried out as loud as I could, but none could hear me, I started to cry cause of the hopelessness of it all.
Then I noticed a brooch of mine, and I picked it up and when I did the lights turned off and everyone could see me, But I was still a ghost.
And one of the people told me I was alive, but I dont believe im alive, thats why im a ghost, So in order to be in my body again I had to believe I was alive.
Eventually I believed I was alive, and I woke up lost in the forest trying to find my way back, but I forgot what I was trying to get back to.
I was wondering for a long time.
When I finally found a house, it was familiar I recognized it at first as the house that was across the street from my old house, but upon closer inspection, I realized it was diffrent, Instead of a little cottage, it was a old house, the yard was huge, and was full of pot holes that was full of dirty water and blood, and it smelled of death, rotting flesh, And from tree's there was peices of animals and people, it didnt scare me though, I seemed drawn by the macabre lawn ornaments, So I walked toward the slaughter house, not even thinking what would happen if I encountered the owner of the slaughters.
But when I went inside, I found myself, Sitting in a dark corner, crying.
Then I woke up.

True love is...

2009-01-02T20:41:00.001-05:00

True love is when you have to watch a friend leave, with the knowledge that you might never see him again. But you know he'll be in your mind and heart forever...

Happy New Years.

2009-01-01T15:52:00.000-05:00

New year.
Same old feelings.

Struggle.

2008-12-29T18:39:00.002-05:00

"You have left me so long to struggle against death, alone, that I feel and see only death! I feel like death!" Chapter 30, pg. 268-269

Hell.

2008-12-25T17:47:00.001-05:00

Hells afloat in lovers tears.

Repair the Damages.

2008-12-22T15:21:00.005-05:00

I was broken
But my maker wanted me fixed.
The invisible hands of fate heard its call,
And began to fix me piece by piece.
Paying close attention to detail, to ensure that it doesn't come apart as quickly as before.
And day by day I began to feel more human than zombie.
Though the heart strings that were broken aren't mended,
Just temporarily bound together tight around my heart,
Squeezing out old feelings of left over love and hate.
Though now i'm left as a emotionless empty shell.
A doll, all new but still not fully fixed.

To do list.

2008-12-19T14:52:00.000-05:00

1. Comprar amor para harinar en abundancia con felicidad
2. Descambiar tristeza
3. No tener perjuicios con los demás
4. Fijar tu atención en los pequeños detalles de la vida
5. Ser feliz con lo que tenemos
6. Olvidar la tristeza
7. Canjear la añoranza por una sonrisa
8. No pensar en momentos fallidos
9. Recordar los buenos momentos

Winter souls.

2008-12-16T00:53:00.004-05:00

Summer is ending, And with it the magic of summer love.

Winter comes swiftly, Summer lovers are driven apart by closeness and some make their own personal summer. Killing all the flowers, The rose with in its dying beauty singing the remains of love songs turned laments. The winter seeming to last forever for lovers, But winter ends for them, Winter doesnt end for the lonely. The coldness creeps into their hearts and mind filling their ears with words of eternal suffering demanding justice, The cold setting in their heart freezing their soul and enveloping them in a cocoon of solitude and misery.
No one wants to be near the winter souls, For fear of it spreading.

Half-life.

2008-12-04T11:59:00.002-05:00

How was I suppose to live without?
I didnt plan that, but now that I am living without, I realize that I can live without even if it is half living. I don't even love him anymore, I have no other feeling for this inhuman man other than disappointment and disguist.
Though I do miss love, the feeling of being needed, Loved...
Through all of this mess I tread water now, Not drowning, but not living comfortably, But at least im still alive.
It is sad when I wake up in the morning and the only thought that gets me through the day is sleeping and dreaming again that night.
But even in dreams, Im alone.

The judgement is final.

2008-11-25T23:47:00.002-05:00

Why should I be marked as a witch?
Why should my religion make me a bad person,
or a condemned person to rot in hell?
I don't press my religion on them
But they press theirs on me.
and I am now "The witch".

Finally a cure!

2008-11-21T18:55:00.001-05:00

To bad i'm afraid of needles.

"Love is good in feeling, even if you are always being hurt. It is better to be hurt by love than not loving at all".

Feeling used, How about you?

2008-11-21T18:51:00.002-05:00

Tick tock tick tock tick tock.

How much longer can I keep this up?

Once more, with feeling <3

2008-11-21T18:45:00.003-05:00

There is life after love,

But its a empty half life

Its the kind of life that

When you wake up each morning

You look at your reflection in the mirror

and question why you are still living

or why did this happen to you.

There is life after love,

But what they dont tell you that its not much of a life.

Dreams

2008-11-21T16:52:00.003-05:00

I fall asleep with covers over my head,

trying to hide from my dreams.

It didnt work the nightmares still found me.

MERRY SAMHAIN!

2008-10-31T22:40:00.001-04:00

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!
MERRY SAMHAIN!

Death.

2008-10-22T22:31:00.002-04:00

I had a horrible dream last night, or was it a nightmare?

First thing i remember was that i was in a large room, it was bright, but i was locked in.

I was hurt and bruised.
And a man came in, the way he looked and his posture and the way he spoke to me, I knew he wanted to kill me.
He slowly circled the room from the door, so i circled and moved like he was, hopefully to get to the door,
He kept coming closer and closer, when he reached me he grabbed my hair i was screaming and kicking, I managed to kick his legs out from under him when he fell i ran trying to reach the door Before i could get to the door i felt a sharp pain in my ribs I looked down and i was bleeding out of my ribs, he threw a knife at me, that's what nicked me,
So i continued to run but when i got near the door he was there he grabbed my wrist he was holding is very very hard, i felt like my skin was bruised just by his touch.
Then he bent my hand back till the bone came through the skin, I remember screaming, it hurt alot. I was trying to fight back desperately somehow he broke my leg when i went to turn to run
But i knocked him down again and started to run again,
And he was there again, this time i broke his wrist and kicked him in the groins
I finally got out, somehow i was running even with my broken leg.
When i got out i was by my pond by my house, I don't know how, but i was.
And by my pond i saw this beautiful white haired girl, she looked like an angel without wings
She was walking without looking at me, INTO the pond.
I stopped her so she wouldn't kill herself,
Even though before i saved her she acted like she didn't notice me at all.
When i saved her a woman came out of nowhere she had long pitch black hair, pale pale skin and black eyes, She thanked me for saving her child.I didn't know how this beautiful bright angel girl could belong to this dark evil looking woman, But the child went and jumped into her arms and she held her, so i let her go to her, I said your welcome, then passed out.
From blood loss probably.When i woke up i was in a room i didn't recognize
When i woke up i was in a room i didn't recognize
Then someone came into the room i knew them in my dream i guess family or something in my dream. And i knew i was at home, i was half naked in my bed, bandaged and stitched
I was worse off than i thought
Then the woman asked me what happened to me, I told her my story and that the last place i was, was at the pond
she said she found me on the porch. I told her everything, about the little girl the woman and the man everything
She said i was probably imagining it, that it was from the blood loss
She laughed at me and then the man who tried to kill me came into the room and she told him the story i just told her, his wrist was still broke, I said That is him he tried to kill me! See his hand is broke i broke it!
They both laughed at me, and the man said he broke his hand falling down
The guy said i was hurting myself to get attention the woman said that he was right
I started to cry
Then my mother and father came home and saw me messed up
They asked what happened i told them the story and my mother and father said that is kind of ridiculous who would want to kill you
Then the man and woman came out and said i was hurting myself for attention
Then my mom said that it sounded true
I curled into a little ball and started rocking back and forth saying he tried to kill me he tried to kill me and i felt like i was going insane no one would believe me
Then i went into the kitchen and there were two windows, one right above the sink, And one of the wall left of the sink
I looked through the window on the left the white hair angel girl was there it was close to the edge of a cliff
she was walking close to the edge, i tried to call out to her but she walked off of it, i gasped and started to cry
But the girl reappeared, i gasped again, then she looked back at me and grinned,
I nearly fell over
I looked out the window above the sink, and there she was again, by the pond walking to the water to drown again, then before she took the step that would make her fall into the water she looked backed and grinned again
I looked frantically from one window to another she was there in both of the windows
Just repetitively killing herself, I thought i was losing my mind
I went outside and it went from day to night
and the pitch black haired woman was there, i heard a cry, it was Padrick.
I went into the darkness searching for him
And she kept taunting me "You would do anything to save him right? You would walk into the darkness for him"
I walked around and finally found Padrick, but as i grabbed him and ran to the porch, He disappeared into a black smoke, He wasn't really there
I looked out to where the woman was
There were 5 women and 8 men
The women were beautiful like her, deathly pale, but somehow less beautiful than her,
and the men had hair to their shoulders dark hair, and deathly pale
I asked her about the little girl, she said whoever saw that little girl was the woman's,
and when that person died, she would eat their soul
Unless she deemed them worthy to keep, To keep? I said, then she looked around her at her companions
She said i may be worthy of keeping, I asked her if she was a vampire and all of them laughed in unison, and stopped at the same time
She said "No im not a vampire, but i am dead, Im more of a dark remembrance"
then i asked about the girl, she said that it was her innocence and purity that took a form of its own when she was killed
But when she died, her soul didn't move on, it rose from the shadows, and she was "Alive" again
Then i asked her how she died, she started to rub her head on both sides like someone does when they concentrate, while she did that a ball of light formed between her hands
when the ball was was about the size of a basket ball, one of the men tapped her shoulder and she gave me the ball as she passed by me. When the ball touched my hands i saw it play out in my head
She was young, Her skin was a little tan, and her hair was not as dark, like dark brown more so than black
She was in a store talking to people i couldn't make out the conversation, then 2 men came in
one killed one of the people she was talking to by throwing a knife
the other grabbed her, broke her wrists then the other man came over and stabbed her till her body was limp
her blood covered the floor
she was dead, after the scene played in my head, I came back to myself, and i fell down on my hands and knees and cried
and i woke up in tears after that, I was freaked out
when i woke up i wrote it all down.

Its not my fault...

2008-10-19T22:03:00.002-04:00

Its not my fault
Its not my fault
Its not my fault
Its not my fault
Its not my fault
Its not my fault
Its not my fault.....

Page in my book.

2008-10-11T19:59:00.003-04:00

My only fear, is that of the blank pages,
That lie ahead in the book of my life,
What will fill those pages?
Love, Pain, Joy, Sadness, or some other feeling that I am no stranger to? I do not know...
I try to put behind me the pages that have already passed.
Some pages destroyed as soon as more filled up my book,
The chapters of love now completely unnoticeable.
One less blank page now...

Seen but not seeing.

2008-10-11T19:54:00.002-04:00

Im trying to view myself the way men view me.
But that way is totally impossible for me to view,
For I have no haze of love over my eyes distorting my view as to see myself a perfect woman, And though I tell them of my imperfections and point them out, The imperfections seem to perfect me, Thus makes it even more impossible for me to view myself this way.

Dream, but not to dream.

2008-10-11T19:49:00.002-04:00

Sleeping but without dreams,
Trapped in the room behind my eyelids,
Blackness with just enough light to see im alone.
This momentary forever driving me over the edge of insanity.
Why cant I seem to find the door anymore,
The one that leads to my dream world.
I seem to be lost in my own mind now, I cant even find my own world.

If you should die.

2008-10-09T01:10:00.002-04:00

If you should die, without my knowing.
Please, think of me, and every one else whom knows you.
Dont die a lonely death, I prefer you dont die at all.
But if you must die, I want you to look into yourself, Your soul, and see what all others see when they look at you, See what I see.
What is the reason you die?
Do not die out of lonliness, or Sadness, or Despair, But die out of old age, or of having to much love, but do not die for the wrong reasons.

Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.

2008-10-09T01:06:00.002-04:00

These past days have gone by so fast and in a blur, but the moments that are painful last forever, Like someone is raking at my heart with nails, Slowly making it excruciating.
And not to mention the bothersome attention from oblivious stupid men who only have one thing on their mind, Feigning romance and courtesy.
Maybe I should wear some sign saying how I DONT want to be bothered by them, I dont want to be stopped to ask how I am, what im doing, That I dont care if I know their names or not.
Maybe I shouldnt go out, I should just stay home, For one day I might snap and kill someone! :P

Tired of me.

2008-10-04T19:27:00.002-04:00

Im tired of tears,
Of being the only one here doing anything,
Of being alone,
Of being abandoned, left, forgotten, left out,
Im tired of being worthless
Of being just a friend,
Im tired of being completely alone,
Im tired of being ME, Some fucking ugly stupid peice of trash that no body wants or loves,
That people use and take from.
Im tired of being ME.

2008-10-04T19:17:00.002-04:00

Loving like a child
Picking flower in hopes to reveal the others feelings,
Dont trust the flowers, for they rarely know the answers to love,
And often play pranks on silly human lovers.
Only the rose knows the true answer to love and romance,
Or is it the ageless fairy inside the rose that whispers the truth to the rose, Telling the roses of lovers futures and then the rose relays the message to them.
Maybe.

Love, is in the air.

2008-09-30T10:48:00.000-04:00

Love in the air, It almost has a taste, a smell, so much of it that its almost solid.
I cant stand it the sound, smell, feeling, Makes my stomach churn, and the cold dead thing that is my heart aches from the longing of it.
Though there it is, Love, Everywhere taunting me, teasing me.
I just keep my head down to not see it, I hold my breath so I wont smell it, I keep my mouth closed to not taste it, I keep to myself to not let anyone in, I dont want anyone.
But my heart knows the truth, it cant be lied to, no masks, no lies can fool my heart, It knows that I want, Need, someone.
But im not ready yet, not again, I wont be ready for a while, So till then, Love will continue to torture me.

And till then, Ill like like a zombie.
Its my choice, mine alone.

Days, Time, Nothing.

2008-09-30T10:40:00.001-04:00

Days seem to string along together in a endless stream of predictable movments.
Like im playing against myself, Because the other unknown entity, God perhaps, Has stopped playing against me, Uncaring of my present, Or future.
And at the same time, I dont care, there is no future, there is just the minute that I am in now, Just this minute, until it passes to the next...and the next.
I wont hope for anything life altering, I wont hold my breath for some kind of good news, I wont look forward to the next day wondering if it holds some sort of surprise for me.
I wonder how long I can live like this, If I get good at this void emotion, Quite a while I guess.
But how long do I want to live like this?

Death...Even in dreams.

2008-09-29T23:50:00.000-04:00

I died last night in my sleep, I wasn't given time to say my goodbyes or cry for my life, or think of what I was leaving behind.
They gave me no choice though it was my life, they pulled the plug that kept me alive, kept me breathing.
And then, It was black.
Nothing but unending blackness, void, Uncomfortable feeling of sadness and realization that, I was dead, There was no more living, No more life for me to live, Nothing but this black void I couldn't move in.
But...wait...Where is my Angel, or demon, to take me to my destined location?
Or where is the goddess to renew my soul and start another life with the remains of the cracked crystal soul, Or to lead me to the summerlands?
But no, there was none of that here in this abyss that held nothing but sadness and pain that I thought I would abandon in death, But here it was a sharp feeling, Like the sadness was physical, Instead of just in my mind.
Im still not afraid to die, But im not so eager to do so now.

2008-09-28T23:27:00.001-04:00

Men look at me like an object, some source of relief to their stress and loneliness.
Though they cant even comprehend my distress.
They talk to me pretending to be interested in my thoughts and opinions when really they are interested in what they think I will give them in exchange for promises of love and sweet talk.
But when I seem to be to smart to play your little game of deception and lies, you instantly begin your search again, for some brainless little slut who believes any little lie.

Paranoia

2008-09-28T23:21:00.000-04:00

I feel like I am being watched, sized up by someone who may or may not be there.
I feel completely helpless, Like I am being stripped layer by layer of truths, lies, emotions, masks. I look around hopelessly to find the pair of eyes seeing through me, and find no one.
Kicking myself for being so paranoid, shaking my head in an attempt to crush my current paranoid train of thought.

How?

2008-09-21T00:05:00.001-04:00

How does one love when the person is incapable of loving?
When all of the muscles in your heart try to beat out the feeling of another, but your heart only beats for the one person, Well mine beats from habit now.
I still await the day my heart figures out that it has no reason to beat and just stop, And ill just fade.
But of course that would be all to easy, No, I have to be cursed to live, So I have to try and endure, even when it feels like my heart is ripping out the stitches ive sewn, from all the pretending, Pretending to be happy.
I wish I didnt have to pretend anymore.

Something

2008-09-19T10:46:00.000-04:00

I have lost all hope, all thoughts leading me down the road that lead to love.
Trying to erase the directions from my mind entirely, but its still imprinted in my mind,
Trying to escape this horrible reality, I read, Stories that I know will never exsist, Couldnt exsist no matter how much I wish.
So I read hoping to stay in my delusion dream world.
I know its not possible, But I can at least try, Right?

Knight in Shining Armor.

2008-09-16T21:18:00.000-04:00

Where is mine?
I speak of course about my "Knight in shining armor".
That I haven't found, and in these circumstances, probably wont find.
Or does my Knight know my location, but maybe he also knows ME.
And he doesn't wish to be with me, So he does everything in his power to stay away from me
so I will never find him.
It would be...Typical for a male to feel this way about me.
I am a cursed maiden, A magnet of un-love.

Happiness

2008-09-16T21:15:00.002-04:00

Happiness use to dwell here in my mind-home.
At one time we were inseparable.
Now happiness rarely stops by, And when it does it doesn't stay long.
Sadness, insanity, and denial are my greatest friends now, Well more so acquaintances.
I do not deny that their company isn't comforting, For without them I would truly be alone.
And that, I could not bear.

Alone.

2008-09-16T21:15:00.001-04:00

In my sadness...I have let misery take me into its cold embrace letting it eat at me till there is nothing left for it to devour.I have pushed everyone away, afraid that my sadness is contagious, Not wanting to inflict my suffering upon another...Never am I truly alone....In the mental sense.For my mind is now home to insanity, sadness, misery, and denial.I sit in the corner of my mind with denial, While the rest run my half-life.I don't want my life back this time, They can have it, Even now my strength doesn't disagree with me this time.My heart lost its reason to beat, the only thing keeping it keeps beating out of habit now I suppose.My whole body, mind, and soul have surrendered to misery.And I haven't the strength to fight the feelings.But then again, I'm not sure I want to.

(In)sanity.

2008-09-15T22:33:00.000-04:00

One must question their own level of sanity.
Lately I cannot help but to think of my apparent insanity.
The odd behavior coming more often than not,
Staying longer with each visit,
Like an unwelcomed guest that I cannot live without, but cannot bear to live with.
But I being a gracious host, Let insanity in everytime, Welcoming it into my mind-home,
Where it invades and takes over, Then I must watch, much like an awful movie you cant stop watching, This unwelcomed guest running my life, Living it for me.
Would I have the strength to take it back?
Why would I want to run my life again?
Would I want to live again?
When Insanity will let me run on auto-pilot?

Existence.

2008-09-15T22:22:00.000-04:00

It seems my existence has lost its value.
Because you don't seem interested anymore, For my own "good" no doubt.
And now you make me rethink my way of living, Without you here...What is the use?
Yet I manage to "survive", In this meaningless existence.
But to me now, Nothing has meaning but hearing the sound of your voice again, Feeling your touch. Locking all the memories, And yes even your name, In a locked safe in my head, to afraid to wonder what would happen if I still thought of you.
It would make things harder to heal for sure.
But some days I don't mind the pain as much.

Alone.

2008-09-14T14:03:00.001-04:00

A love that you say will last forever.
And I rejoice that I no longer have to spend my days alone.
And as I grow accustomed to having your love and companionship.
You leave me.
Just...Like that.
Taking my heart with you, No sign of your exsistence here.
Just the memories I refuse to replay in my head, As to not make myself anymore dead inside.
But you wont abandon your position as my protector, For I am very fragile and easily break.
But you cannot protect me from the damage you have already caused me.
All the pain, torment, and suffering I have endured from others, Is nothing compared to the pain you just caused me when you left. And not to mention the scarring it will leave.
Farewell, my once-lover, May the gods guide your strides, and may it lead you to someone you love more than anyone, anything else. Then I hope it gets ripped away from you, So maybe you could realize how horrible it feels.
Goodbye my once-lover,
Dont bother wishing me luck,
I really dont need it.

Men, ha ha ha, and ha.

2008-09-12T20:31:00.000-04:00

Men, Creatures of pure STUPIDITY.
They don't know when they have someone completely good for them, that loves them, and wants to be with them.
If enough people call a guy "hott" or "sexy" or "cute" the guy starts to get overconfident, and thinks he doesn't need the girl anymore, cause gods know there are plenty other girls he can fuck.
Skipping bed, leaving in their wake broken-hearted girls, Wasting tears on someone they thought loved them.
Is it not enough that we give them our heart on a silver platter, What more do they want!?
I refuse to worship them, if thats what they desire.
It just isnt worth it.

Waited.

2008-09-12T19:29:00.000-04:00

I miss being waited for,
For someone to wait for me when I get home to call them, or be with them.
Then if I dont come home at my normal time, get into some meaningless small argument that end in us both laughing and cuddling, I miss that.
When I get home, all I have waiting for me now, is unfinished homework, and dishes.

What has today come to?

2008-09-10T17:32:00.003-04:00

The truth in lies that people often speak

Throwing away hearts like flower petals

Speaking in half truths.

What has become of today?

That people only live for self gratifacation,

And if not gained, taken by force.

Men like snakes with poison coated words that weave intricate patterns of deception, and fulfilling needs that dont need fullfilling.

And women are no less deceptive and cunning.

What has today come to?

Trying to survive

2008-09-10T16:07:00.000-04:00

The tears have calmed me for now,
Helping me place the smile back on my face to go through another day.
I'm tired of this repetitive life.
This day the same as yesterday, and the day before that, and the day before that one and so on...
To fight for my life, I have no control over.
I feel like I have lost meaning to fight, Lost strength.
Why do I still carry on this life-long battle?
I don't know anymore.
Dreams my only escape, release from this world, and when I wake up that perfect world of my dreams escape me leaving me only to this of pain, True there is joy in this world too, but it so often eludes me, and i'm tired of running to catch it.

Emotionless.

2008-09-10T15:57:00.000-04:00

Tears, Small reminders of the pain we feel inside, to release, wash it out, but its not going anywhere, Not anytime soon.

Feelings of Worthlessness, Hate, Sorrow, Pain, Sadness, Loneliness, Despair.

Arrived at this bad time come to stay a while, In my life I need not these feelings, Leave me emotionless please, Swallowed whole in a world of work, I feel i'm here to stay, I wont escape.

No drugs this time, No easy way out for me, thanks. I will stay here in my personal hell, Being left out and forgotten, Still holding out for Hope, Miracles, Something...

Misery loves company, So I am accompanying misery.

Self Hatred.

2008-09-09T23:41:00.000-04:00

I do hate myself
I wonder how I am still alive,
Of course im only partly alive
I have horrible health, and there is ALWAYS something wrong with me
First I get muscular skeletal problems, OK I was just fine with that,
Excrutiation pain and all that whenever I did anything straining, But I was fine with just that,
But nooooooo I had to not be able to have kids, And have pms that lasts 2 and a half weeks, OH MY FUCKING GODS PEOPLE!
I have been cordially invited to my own PITY PARTY WHOOOOOOOO JOKES ON ME PEOPLE!

Its not like anyone fucking cares, Even though people CLAIM too.
NO ONE HERE GIVES A FLYING RATS ASS ABOUT HOW I FEEL!
That makes me so incredibly "happy"
So when im forced to work and feel like a slave to my own fucking family while they are sitting on their fat asses playing games and watching tv, Im upstairs doing all the work. YAY!
And when I cry, and beat myself up, and curse myself, cause yeah, I fucking hate myself that much lately, I can rest assured that I AM COMPLETELY ALONE.
People tell me how good I am and how great I am and bla bla bla feed me bullshit people thanks,
Question, If im so great why am I always ALONE?!
Or I always get left behind in the dust, and just a friend!
OH MY GOD, JUST A FRIEND. Thanks.
And I dont want to fucking hear "You can be loved, I love you" just fucking drop that, Seriously.
I think im done for the moment, Now me and Misery are going to have a nice long talk.

Of love

2008-09-06T20:37:00.000-04:00

Did you expect love to be easy?
Really...
Love is a complicated feeling.
You may feel something that the other person doesn't
That click they don't feel, but you wish they did.
Hating yourself doesn't make the person love you,
Blaming yourself doesn't mean its true, Its just not meant to be,
Move on, Look, for someone else.
You can, though you think you cant.
You can be loved.
I know it to be true.
Go, and find love,
But don't fall in love to quickly.
For the fall is long, and the consequences harsh.

And there isnt always someone there to catch you.

Free

2008-09-06T20:01:00.000-04:00

This is as close to freedom as I have ever felt,
Out dancing
Singing
Spinning
Laughing
On the roads at night, Sometimes I run till my legs give out,
But its never far enough
To give me lasting freedom.
Maybe in time my legs will carry me further
Yes i will hope for this.
Hope.

Run

2008-09-06T19:54:00.000-04:00

If I ran
How far could I run?
If I could distance myself far enough from you would it make me hurt less?
Staring down the road
Wondering
How far Could I run
Probably not far enough...
But I would run regardless
To escape from you...
This world...
Myself...
I want to fade, into a world
where anything and everything can happen
A world...of dreams.

Love

2008-09-06T19:45:00.000-04:00

The feeling, piercing my heart like an arrow.

The thought of love

Makes my heart cringe in pain, and longing..

My almost healed wounds still pain me

They still feel fresh when I think of love.

But I want to feel love, Again, without the pain, without the bad memories.

I dont think I can feel again without the pain.

But the pain will be a sharp reminder not to fall to quickly.

Tired.

2008-09-03T20:25:00.000-04:00

In 24 hours,
We are suppose to Work, Clean our own houses, get a education, have time for family, and gods forbid you have a girlfriend or boyfriend, and we have to cook, and clean what we then mess up, And have time for ones self, and sleep.

Im tired, where is my 24 hours of rest?

Im tired.
I need rest.

2008-09-01T22:16:00.000-04:00

Im tired.
Well, not me exactly, my heart.
It feels like it has been working extra muscles while I myself work myself into near-death.
Its tired now, Like some heartstrings pulled to tight to keep my heart from falling out of my chest. In my blur-of-the-moment lifestyle as of late, Im afraid my heart cant keep up.
It needs to rest, from love, from hate, from feeling, Just for now.
Rest.
Rest.
Rest...

Write and wrong.

2008-09-01T22:11:00.000-04:00

My mind is bursting open with characters I created in my head, wanting to be alive even if its on paper. Scenario's just bursting out, Every detail, every thought of hers, his, theirs, Just happen.
I feel like I have stumbled upon a world that only existed in my mind and they just want to be known.

Please stop for a moment let me catch my thoughts!

2008-08-31T00:55:00.000-04:00

Im really tired of coming last no matter what I do for you.
Even though I take your side, I give you money, I pay your bills, I help you out, YOU ARE NEVER THERE FOR ME.
You wernt there when I was alone and scared at the doctor, You wernt there when I got stitched up, You wernt there whenever I cried because I was hurt.
Cause you were why I cried, You were why I had stitches, You are why I am how I am, You tell me that I should thank you for that, but I cant see why I should thank you.
I dont see why I should love you but I do.
But family doesnt treat family like this.
Thanks
For
Nothing.

Thanks

2008-08-31T00:54:00.000-04:00

Thanks....
I suppose you think sorry will make me feel better.
It wont.

2008-08-30T21:20:00.001-04:00

Pillows of clouds and nightlights of rainbows, Candy kisses from fairies,
The stars dancing in the sky in a party that started in the begining of time, This is what i dream about, Sometimes in the middle of the day with closed eyes wide open.
Whispering to the flowers that hold secrets till they fade.
Rivers flowing full of emotions swimming like fishes.
I want to stay here forever in my euphoria fever, and love sickness.

2008-08-28T00:12:00.000-04:00

I have loved
and have not recieved love in return
I have hoped
to no avail
I have dreamed
I still keep dreaming
I have been in your place.
But its no use to reopen old wounds, when we have so much to live for.
Seek your own happiness, Dont try to dwell on the saddness and lonliness that you always feel,
Things will get better even though you dont think it, It will.
You cant sit around and expect happiness and love to fall right in your lap while your to busy crying and waiting for it to.
I know it sounds mean, but its true.
You
Will
Find
Someone.

-To Ian, Keep hoping.

Enjoy the silence.

2008-08-28T00:10:00.000-04:00

I am afraid of the silence.
But sometimes, when I feel truely alone,
I let it swallow me whole in its soundless abyss.

Love la la la

2008-08-25T19:55:00.000-04:00

"I.." she whispered so low that it was barely audible, She then shook her head assuringly as he watched her curiously, confused, she stood there attempting to tell him what she said was important. She took a deep breathe and said with her eyes still shut as if it gave her more courage, her fists clenched so tight that it hurt, "What im trying to say is...I...love you"
As she spoke those last words she let out a breath that she seemed to hold forever and opened her eyes, she felt relieved, the butteflies still flying around in her stomach caught in some sort of tornado of feelings that only seemed to become more tangled and intense when she said those three words that she though would change everything. She felt dizzy, like she would pass out, she felt her hands shaking, so she clenched her hands in tight fists again, They both stood there, like living statues, He took a step forward gazing in her deep emerald green eyes that seem to sparkle with both fear and excitment, he grabbed her and held her in a tight embrace, she wanted to melt in his arms, wishing she could stay like that forever, then he let her go, holding onto her arms, gently so if she wanted to pull away she could, He just stood there looking at her, she was searching in his deep blue eyes for some answer, something that told her that everything was alright, that he...loved her too, After a to long 5 minutes she blushed and looked down at her feet, and shyly asked "well?" He sighed softly and lifted her chin to where she was looking at him and softly kissed her lips, and said "Well,..." he suddenly backed away a few steps looking to the sky, like there was some answer written in the clouds, a message from the gods, "Well" he repeated as he walked over back towards her "I love you too" She blushed, looking much like a neon raspberry, he looked her in the eyes and said with a smile so terribly beautiful that it sent her heart fluttering, like it would fly out of her chest, "I love you".

2008-08-22T22:39:00.000-04:00

Falling into the sky with arms stretched out embracing my inner wings hoping that in this moment I will fly.
Making friends with the stars sparking so beautifully in the sky shining some of their radiance on me to make me sparkle with the glow of renewed life. The moon, letting me play in its invisible fields and oceans, Floating in oceans of hope, and river full of love spreading through everything, everyone, Invisible to ignorant eyes.

Falling into and out of, nonsense

2008-08-22T22:31:00.000-04:00

Falling into love and falling out of saddness to be happy, to breathe, to feel alive once more.
But Falling into love is like falling out of a tree, you felt good climbing to the top, then BAM! You fall out and its not so good, but at least you still feel good that you climbed to the top, and you will keep doing so till you can correctly get out of that tree without hurting yourself again.

But the tree grows, and so does love.

Love grows.

Full of heart!

2008-08-22T22:10:00.000-04:00

Within my heart is millions of tiny cocoons, Waiting to break free with the coming day.
At the first sight of the dawn they break free filling my heart with tiny butterflies lending me some of their beauty and sweetness. Painting inside me abstract pictures and emotions, Beautiful colors unkown to the world, For not many people see inside of me.

Swallowed whole.

2008-08-22T13:01:00.000-04:00

Falling into field of flowers all of their petal's bear his name, And I roll around in them gleefully absorbed by feelings of euphoria, Carefree and unattached to the world I go to sleep in a bed of butterflies that sing me to sleep in sweet whispers lullabies that only the wind remembers, Drinking delirious dreams that taste like soft clouds and bottled smiles. Throwing my heart, my love, my hope into the air that carries them away to the fishes that swallow me whole in my blissful insanity.

Downfall of falling.

2008-08-21T23:21:00.000-04:00

Lately...Ive felt euphoric.
Thinking about this guy makes me want to jump up and down and scream of how I feel about him, And I have found myself as of late giddy and just anxious to talk to him, thinking of what to tell him next time I see him. Whenever i'm working just thinking of this makes me happy and smile, and able to get through the day.
But...sometimes I feel like more of a bother, and he just puts up with me.
Which makes me kind of sad, Thus the downfall of falling into a new love, you dont know how they feel about you, and you just want to scream at the top of your lungs to this person and tell how much you want to be with them!
AHHHHHH! How can someone make me feel like this again? After such a short time?! AHHH! Cupid you are one tricky person! If only you can tell me if you aimed your poison love arrows at him too, or tell me if I feel this for him in vain.
I would give up so much to just have him talk to me, not sexual, not just simple conversation, but a deep conversation that takes HOURS and for it to feel like only me and him are the only people in the room, in the world, at this time, to sit down and talk, I would give anything.
I would give more to know if he really likes me, and not just in a sexual way.
Damn you cupid, and damn your vicious goddess mother Aphrodite.

Heart words.

2008-08-14T22:24:00.001-04:00

Trying to tell you how I feel.
Trying to put into words.
But my vocabulary is so limited.
Only the language of the broken heart can correctly express how I feel.
The words spoken through heavy sighs and your fast heartbeat.
or the sound that my tears make while washing away the thought of you
The sound of hidden feelings, Fake smiles, and false O.K's.
And the sound of all the bittersweet dreams of you, or the memories both good and bad replaying through my mind torturing me throughout the day, If only you could heart what my heart is telling you.

2008-08-14T22:18:00.000-04:00

Word's forming lies, Falsly announcing how I feel, when I am truely lost inside, I cannot seem to escape myself. In my maze-mind filled with despair, Nor can I escape this, You cut the string that lead me back to happiness, What am I suppose to do now? You locked my heart in a box and threw it to the bottom of the sea, Washing away in a wave of anger and rage, I hate you.
most of all, I hate me.

Breaking, broken, peices.

2008-08-14T22:09:00.000-04:00

Im feel like letting go, not of the feelings, but of everyone who ties me down, bound to this heartache.
I fake smile more, I look into mirrors less, afraid of facing myself, the other side of me that is ashamed of this person im becoming, what im doing.
Im ashamed too,
I just don't want to cry anymore.
Its hard not to cry, sometimes at night, when I come home from working all day, I sit in dark, and cry, cursing myself.

Love....Hate....Confusion

2008-08-09T10:40:00.001-04:00

Does it make me a bad person because I am still mad, even jealous?
Or does it make me weak because I still cry myself to sleep at night?
Or does it make me crazy because I still think of killing myself sometimes, then end up just crying more?
I blame him more so than her.
She was delirious with love and anyone would have said yes.
But he...he told me he was trying to avoid her and that he chose me.
But I guess he lied, cause how could they talk about them having a relationship if he was avoiding her.
Maybe he wanted her all along, who knows.
Love plays horrible tricks on me.

Ha ha ha ha ha...oh wait. it wasnt a joke?

2008-08-09T10:34:00.000-04:00

Haahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahhahahahahahahahahha
You?
Sad?
When you got each other?
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Dream language

2008-08-06T11:07:00.000-04:00

Dream's, have a language of their own, constantly they speak out to people, but very rarely do people listen, or understand what they are saying.
Those who can translate don't pay it any mind.
I'm learning to speak dream's, to try to understand the secret meanings they are sending me,
So what if I walk around in a daydream state talking to dreams while im awake, but sleeping inside, And people think im crazy and childish for still believing, what they think doesnt matter to me anymore.

Broken dreams and shattered souls

2008-08-04T00:39:00.000-04:00

Those who wish to live, Die
And those who wish to die, Live.
A lesson taught the hard way to these people, to me.
Hurting in ways that I cannot begin to explain.
Soaking in agony that rots my soul away to puddles of tears and lost hope.
Words become useless, no one to listen, no one to care.
Everyone is against you, In a makeshift world being built from broken dreams and shattered crystal souls.
I'm afraid i've already become a part of this world.
For my heart is broken, And I fear, Soon my soul too will be completely broken.

Dreams

2008-08-03T21:50:00.000-04:00

Last night, I had a dream, or nightmare.
I was in a town, that burned all that was not christian,
When they found out that I was a wiccan,
They tried to drown me, I lived.
They tried to torture me, break my bones and my will, I lived.
They tried to burn me, I lived, but I felt the flames still, I just didnt die.
They tried to kill me, all those times, and I lived.
They thought of me to be the devil.
But they where the real devil's.
Their faces were blurred, I couldnt see them well.
Then, One tried to strangle me, I saw its face.
It was not female or male...It's face changed from two diffrent faces.
Yours, and hers.

Frail.

2008-08-03T21:26:00.000-04:00

My life
So brittle and frail.
So easy to sever the ties that keep me alive.