Mi-e frică

I'm scared.

Mad, again.

I'm mad, and its a horrible madness because its mixed with sadness, uncertainty, and regret.


"I'm seeing red again."

Yet another day that I feel alone.

There is no simpler way to put it other than "I feel alone." Even though I do not like to say those words aloud, there is no denying the feeling.


"Misery loves company,.
Company loves more.
More loves everybody else.
But hell is others."

And breathe..not breathe..

As cautiously entered my heart is your golden arrow, Jingle bells, bells, bells, The sky is sparkling, blazing fires, In the heart yearns blinding explosion. Beats and breaks out lights, its size is large, It would be better not to watch and not think, hid her face in the petals ... Do not keep it, do not pay, do not destroy, I think I found everything I need. The whole world will stop spinning for a moment, And look, do not see enough, and breathe not breathe, Do not break the silence Radiating lights ... Maybe this is just a new illusion, ephemeral and sweet deception But the desert ended abruptly, Before me the ocean: The waves and seagulls, sky and the wind of hope, But I'm afraid to touch the water. The whole world will stop spinning for a moment, And look, do not see enough, and breathe not breathe, Do not break the silence Radiating lights ... Connect palms, and the time for them to stop their run, And do not magically disappear and secrets do not dry up for ever, Pure nectar solar dreams and desires, Two colored tube in a thin glass ... Hold for a moment, I want to stay here, And look, do not see enough, and breathe not breathe, Do not break the silence Radiating glow .. Fortunately there to grief there, each heart has its own golden arrow, Sunsets, sunrises and rays in the corners of his eyes shining, The views there are, full circle, Quietly floating feather in the wind...

...

No one cares if your miserable...

So you might as well be happy!

Pit.

I woke to a blinding light strapped to a table, the light burned my eyes. All I could see is white, then 3 tall people wearing black entered the room telling me that I was a evil being and I needed to be purged in order to live.
I tried to focus on their faces, but I couldn't see their faces (they had their hoods on). Even with the bright light their faces were hidden within the black abyss of their hoods.
They brought out a syringe, it had a gold liquid in it, I laid completely still not wanting to give them the satisfaction of my screams of pain. Then injected me with the gold liquid on my palm, which I thought was strange. It didn't hurt..not even when the needle pierced through my skin. I laid silently looking at the injection point. The wound caused by the needle had healed, but I suddenly felt...warm. The warmness spread from my palm to my arm to the rest of my body. It wasn't uncomfortable but it tingled. I continued to wonder what will happen when this gold liquid stopped spreading...will it hurt? I could feel it stop moving through my veins, I laid- frozen by fear of what was next. It seemed like I waited a very long time, then I suddenly felt cold- the gold liquid was freezing inside me and I couldn't help but smile because when asked if I would rather die in fire or ice I told them both, On one hand I would want the fire to burn me so it would be fast, and on the other hand I would want to perish in ice so my body will be perfectly preserved. The liquid slowly turned into ice within my body, it felt like a cold burning... and there I laid smiling and laughing to myself which made the black hooded figures upset and they injected my other palm with the same gold liquid a beautiful mixture of the fire and ice slowly destroyed me inside and I was left as a empty shell, smiling even in death.

Repeating the past.

The dream I had on Wednesday made me think, and laugh, it was a very strange dream but which of my dreams are ever normal? Tehe. That is why it has taken this long for me to write it down, cause I have been trying to break it down and see what it all means, and in the end I said screw it a dreams a dream, I will always have them, so I will just dream them and laugh at myself for thinking of such things subconsciously.





I was lying asleep in bed, I could see the sparkling and swirling of colors behind my closed eyelids, then I felt a sharp pain on my neck. I woke up to a snake biting me, striking me all over my neck, chest, arms, anywhere it could get to. My sister was in the distance laughing at it all. I didnt scream I grabbed the snakes head as it went to strike again, I tore its head off and went to my mother telling her that my sister tried to kill me with the snake, I gave her the snakes head as proof, my sister denied doing it and my mother believed her. I remember laying on the bed feeling the vemon move inside me, I had a fever and even though I was sweating I was freezing. The venom tore me apart inside and out, I didnt scream I just sat there and thought about things, *why did my sister do this to me?* I continuously thought, unable to come to a conclusion. Needless to say with so many bites, and so much venom. I died.

Then I opened my eyes, half expecting to be in hell, or where ever people go these days.

But unfortunatly I was still alive, just in another place. People called me by a diffrent name but this body that looked like mine responded to it.

In this new house I lived at, I kept having visions of a man hurting himself, he would cut himself, and he would bleed till he passed out, and each time I went to help him, he would fade into nothing. Then there were men who lived there with me, they had fangs and enjoyed the taste of human flesh. They wouldnt eat me for some odd reason, but I stayed with them and they protected me. One day the guys were out feeding, and I just got home when I saw that man sitting there hurting himself again, when it came to the part where I go to help him like always, I blinked, and I took his place in the chair where he sat hurting himself, there was this little voice in the back of my head saying "Silly girl...why must you always do what you are told?" it sighed and laughed as I looked down at the blood pouring from my wounds *I didnt do this to myself...this isnt real...it isnt real...* I kept thinking, but no matter how hard I thought I was imagining this, I kept bleeding, the voice in my head spoke again "We will always repeat the past...no matter what, your no exception..." I closed my eyes, and when I opened them I was awake.

Results..or not?

A night of fighting, screaming, crying. Placing blame and declairing hatred, sure does lead to strange dreams.I woke up on a circle platform. There were three others there with me, we where all chained up, though we had enough chain to move around and we could almost touch. But right before we touched the chain ran short. The others were sobbing and screaming, I sat there thinking not knowing what to make of this whole situation. They kept trying to reach each other then tried to break their chains, with what thought? I wondered, all there was here was us and the chains. Then 2 men appeared, I cant seem to remember their faces, though I know they were taller than me. They knew me apparently, they kept directing their hatred toward me, kept talking and teasing us all. Then the circle split into three peices each of us were left alone. It was dark and I couldnt see anything but the darkness, the others screamed out to one another. I just sat there in the darkness, then I was grabbed by the two men who threw me into the back of a car. It was bright and lovely outside, but there where these huge funnels in the sky like the ones that form a tornado but they were oddly shaped and contorted one was bent over us. Then there was someone in the back with me who wasnt there before, *Great, im going crazy.* I thought to myself but this person was there but not there. She explained to me about the funnels they now covered the sky, the clouds now darkening to almost pitch black, the men looked around and talked amongst themselves about what they should do they kept shooting glances at me but it didnt worry me, If they dont kill me this storm will I kept thinking so it didnt really matter to me. Three of the funnels touched down right by the car the men screamed, all I did was close my eyes and smile. Then when I opened my eyes expecting oblivion, I was in the middle of the city we were driving through, but it was all destroyed. Then I woke up.

Painful thinking

Swimming swimming just keep swimming...

His death, and what it brought on.

It was a good day to start with, I went through my regular repetitive schedule, shop, clean, feed the family, clean more. When I took a moment to relax I got a phone call.
"Hello?"
"Lewis is dead, his heart stopped." He said through heart broken tears over his lost younger brother.
"...What happened?"
"Tiny (Lewis' son) went in there to get him for dinner and..." He kept choking on his words as he cried.
*Moment of silence as I was shocked at what he told me, I listened to him crying, I pictured in my head what he must have looked like there holding the phone crying. Then I imagined the body of his now dead brother, laying on the bed, eyes closed like he was sleeping.*
"I hope he went painlessly...I'm sorry Paul."
"I have to call some other people, Ill call you back later, Bye."
"....Goodbye."

I felt horrible for not crying like he was. My father cried, when my brother arrived from home, he was crying, Ashley looked sad but that was probably because Chris was.
I was the one who had to pretend to be cheerful and happy for them, to make them feel better.
I did the usual "He is probably in a better place" line, but then again my belief system differs from theirs.
I havnt cried, Ive just thought about it, "How can he be dead, I saw him last month, if not sooner...He has three kids...they are probably sad, poor Heather, I hope she will be ok she is already depressed now add her fathers death to the bunch of things to be sad about."
Does anything I think matter though?
No.
Does it help any?
No
Does it bring people back from the grave?
No.
They are looking at me like im a heartless bitch, because I didnt cry.

Death

Am I a bad person cause I didnt cry when I got the news that another person I love? (well loveD now) Am I a bad person cause I was the one who had to call other people and tell them about his death and I wasnt in tears? Am I a bad person cause I am the one who has to seem happy and cheerful when really I want to scream and protest that this cant be happening, not to him.
While everyone else is crying and remembering old times, Im the one who has to reassure them that its ok. Am I a bad person because I wont go to the funeral because I refuse to see his body there in the coffin and know that is only a empty shell?
Am I?

Eyes opened?

I have always heard the theory "For every sad person there is a happy person."
This always seemed logical to me, for I was always apart of the "sad people" and it seemed like EVERYONE I knew was a "happy person". But know that Im happy, it seems like almost everyone I know is sad, and when I look around all I see is sad people, but when I was sad all I saw were happy people in love.
But was I being shown what I didnt want to be taught a lesson and have my eyes opened?
If so then why isnt everyone elses eyes opened?