Love, is in the air.

Love in the air, It almost has a taste, a smell, so much of it that its almost solid.
I cant stand it the sound, smell, feeling, Makes my stomach churn, and the cold dead thing that is my heart aches from the longing of it.
Though there it is, Love, Everywhere taunting me, teasing me.
I just keep my head down to not see it, I hold my breath so I wont smell it, I keep my mouth closed to not taste it, I keep to myself to not let anyone in, I dont want anyone.
But my heart knows the truth, it cant be lied to, no masks, no lies can fool my heart, It knows that I want, Need, someone.
But im not ready yet, not again, I wont be ready for a while, So till then, Love will continue to torture me.

And till then, Ill like like a zombie.
Its my choice, mine alone.

Days, Time, Nothing.

Days seem to string along together in a endless stream of predictable movments.
Like im playing against myself, Because the other unknown entity, God perhaps, Has stopped playing against me, Uncaring of my present, Or future.
And at the same time, I dont care, there is no future, there is just the minute that I am in now, Just this minute, until it passes to the next...and the next.
I wont hope for anything life altering, I wont hold my breath for some kind of good news, I wont look forward to the next day wondering if it holds some sort of surprise for me.
I wonder how long I can live like this, If I get good at this void emotion, Quite a while I guess.
But how long do I want to live like this?

Death...Even in dreams.

I died last night in my sleep, I wasn't given time to say my goodbyes or cry for my life, or think of what I was leaving behind.
They gave me no choice though it was my life, they pulled the plug that kept me alive, kept me breathing.
And then, It was black.
Nothing but unending blackness, void, Uncomfortable feeling of sadness and realization that, I was dead, There was no more living, No more life for me to live, Nothing but this black void I couldn't move in.
But...wait...Where is my Angel, or demon, to take me to my destined location?
Or where is the goddess to renew my soul and start another life with the remains of the cracked crystal soul, Or to lead me to the summerlands?
But no, there was none of that here in this abyss that held nothing but sadness and pain that I thought I would abandon in death, But here it was a sharp feeling, Like the sadness was physical, Instead of just in my mind.
Im still not afraid to die, But im not so eager to do so now.

Men look at me like an object, some source of relief to their stress and loneliness.
Though they cant even comprehend my distress.
They talk to me pretending to be interested in my thoughts and opinions when really they are interested in what they think I will give them in exchange for promises of love and sweet talk.
But when I seem to be to smart to play your little game of deception and lies, you instantly begin your search again, for some brainless little slut who believes any little lie.

Paranoia

I feel like I am being watched, sized up by someone who may or may not be there.
I feel completely helpless, Like I am being stripped layer by layer of truths, lies, emotions, masks. I look around hopelessly to find the pair of eyes seeing through me, and find no one.
Kicking myself for being so paranoid, shaking my head in an attempt to crush my current paranoid train of thought.

How?

How does one love when the person is incapable of loving?
When all of the muscles in your heart try to beat out the feeling of another, but your heart only beats for the one person, Well mine beats from habit now.
I still await the day my heart figures out that it has no reason to beat and just stop, And ill just fade.
But of course that would be all to easy, No, I have to be cursed to live, So I have to try and endure, even when it feels like my heart is ripping out the stitches ive sewn, from all the pretending, Pretending to be happy.
I wish I didnt have to pretend anymore.

Something

I have lost all hope, all thoughts leading me down the road that lead to love.
Trying to erase the directions from my mind entirely, but its still imprinted in my mind,
Trying to escape this horrible reality, I read, Stories that I know will never exsist, Couldnt exsist no matter how much I wish.
So I read hoping to stay in my delusion dream world.
I know its not possible, But I can at least try, Right?

Knight in Shining Armor.

Where is mine?
I speak of course about my "Knight in shining armor".
That I haven't found, and in these circumstances, probably wont find.
Or does my Knight know my location, but maybe he also knows ME.
And he doesn't wish to be with me, So he does everything in his power to stay away from me
so I will never find him.
It would be...Typical for a male to feel this way about me.
I am a cursed maiden, A magnet of un-love.

Happiness

Happiness use to dwell here in my mind-home.
At one time we were inseparable.
Now happiness rarely stops by, And when it does it doesn't stay long.
Sadness, insanity, and denial are my greatest friends now, Well more so acquaintances.
I do not deny that their company isn't comforting, For without them I would truly be alone.
And that, I could not bear.

Alone.

In my sadness...I have let misery take me into its cold embrace letting it eat at me till there is nothing left for it to devour.I have pushed everyone away, afraid that my sadness is contagious, Not wanting to inflict my suffering upon another...Never am I truly alone....In the mental sense.For my mind is now home to insanity, sadness, misery, and denial.I sit in the corner of my mind with denial, While the rest run my half-life.I don't want my life back this time, They can have it, Even now my strength doesn't disagree with me this time.My heart lost its reason to beat, the only thing keeping it keeps beating out of habit now I suppose.My whole body, mind, and soul have surrendered to misery.And I haven't the strength to fight the feelings.But then again, I'm not sure I want to.

(In)sanity.

One must question their own level of sanity.
Lately I cannot help but to think of my apparent insanity.
The odd behavior coming more often than not,
Staying longer with each visit,
Like an unwelcomed guest that I cannot live without, but cannot bear to live with.
But I being a gracious host, Let insanity in everytime, Welcoming it into my mind-home,
Where it invades and takes over, Then I must watch, much like an awful movie you cant stop watching, This unwelcomed guest running my life, Living it for me.
Would I have the strength to take it back?
Why would I want to run my life again?
Would I want to live again?
When Insanity will let me run on auto-pilot?

Existence.

It seems my existence has lost its value.
Because you don't seem interested anymore, For my own "good" no doubt.
And now you make me rethink my way of living, Without you here...What is the use?
Yet I manage to "survive", In this meaningless existence.
But to me now, Nothing has meaning but hearing the sound of your voice again, Feeling your touch. Locking all the memories, And yes even your name, In a locked safe in my head, to afraid to wonder what would happen if I still thought of you.
It would make things harder to heal for sure.
But some days I don't mind the pain as much.

Alone.

A love that you say will last forever.
And I rejoice that I no longer have to spend my days alone.
And as I grow accustomed to having your love and companionship.
You leave me.
Just...Like that.
Taking my heart with you, No sign of your exsistence here.
Just the memories I refuse to replay in my head, As to not make myself anymore dead inside.
But you wont abandon your position as my protector, For I am very fragile and easily break.
But you cannot protect me from the damage you have already caused me.
All the pain, torment, and suffering I have endured from others, Is nothing compared to the pain you just caused me when you left. And not to mention the scarring it will leave.
Farewell, my once-lover, May the gods guide your strides, and may it lead you to someone you love more than anyone, anything else. Then I hope it gets ripped away from you, So maybe you could realize how horrible it feels.
Goodbye my once-lover,
Dont bother wishing me luck,
I really dont need it.

Men, ha ha ha, and ha.

Men, Creatures of pure STUPIDITY.
They don't know when they have someone completely good for them, that loves them, and wants to be with them.
If enough people call a guy "hott" or "sexy" or "cute" the guy starts to get overconfident, and thinks he doesn't need the girl anymore, cause gods know there are plenty other girls he can fuck.
Skipping bed, leaving in their wake broken-hearted girls, Wasting tears on someone they thought loved them.
Is it not enough that we give them our heart on a silver platter, What more do they want!?
I refuse to worship them, if thats what they desire.
It just isnt worth it.

Waited.

I miss being waited for,
For someone to wait for me when I get home to call them, or be with them.
Then if I dont come home at my normal time, get into some meaningless small argument that end in us both laughing and cuddling, I miss that.
When I get home, all I have waiting for me now, is unfinished homework, and dishes.

What has today come to?

The truth in lies that people often speak

Throwing away hearts like flower petals

Speaking in half truths.

What has become of today?

That people only live for self gratifacation,

And if not gained, taken by force.

Men like snakes with poison coated words that weave intricate patterns of deception, and fulfilling needs that dont need fullfilling.

And women are no less deceptive and cunning.

What has today come to?

Trying to survive

The tears have calmed me for now,
Helping me place the smile back on my face to go through another day.
I'm tired of this repetitive life.
This day the same as yesterday, and the day before that, and the day before that one and so on...
To fight for my life, I have no control over.
I feel like I have lost meaning to fight, Lost strength.
Why do I still carry on this life-long battle?
I don't know anymore.
Dreams my only escape, release from this world, and when I wake up that perfect world of my dreams escape me leaving me only to this of pain, True there is joy in this world too, but it so often eludes me, and i'm tired of running to catch it.

Emotionless.

Tears, Small reminders of the pain we feel inside, to release, wash it out, but its not going anywhere, Not anytime soon.

Feelings of Worthlessness, Hate, Sorrow, Pain, Sadness, Loneliness, Despair.

Arrived at this bad time come to stay a while, In my life I need not these feelings, Leave me emotionless please, Swallowed whole in a world of work, I feel i'm here to stay, I wont escape.

No drugs this time, No easy way out for me, thanks. I will stay here in my personal hell, Being left out and forgotten, Still holding out for Hope, Miracles, Something...

Misery loves company, So I am accompanying misery.

Self Hatred.

I do hate myself
I wonder how I am still alive,
Of course im only partly alive
I have horrible health, and there is ALWAYS something wrong with me
First I get muscular skeletal problems, OK I was just fine with that,
Excrutiation pain and all that whenever I did anything straining, But I was fine with just that,
But nooooooo I had to not be able to have kids, And have pms that lasts 2 and a half weeks, OH MY FUCKING GODS PEOPLE!
I have been cordially invited to my own PITY PARTY WHOOOOOOOO JOKES ON ME PEOPLE!

Its not like anyone fucking cares, Even though people CLAIM too.
NO ONE HERE GIVES A FLYING RATS ASS ABOUT HOW I FEEL!
That makes me so incredibly "happy"
So when im forced to work and feel like a slave to my own fucking family while they are sitting on their fat asses playing games and watching tv, Im upstairs doing all the work. YAY!
And when I cry, and beat myself up, and curse myself, cause yeah, I fucking hate myself that much lately, I can rest assured that I AM COMPLETELY ALONE.
People tell me how good I am and how great I am and bla bla bla feed me bullshit people thanks,
Question, If im so great why am I always ALONE?!
Or I always get left behind in the dust, and just a friend!
OH MY GOD, JUST A FRIEND. Thanks.
And I dont want to fucking hear "You can be loved, I love you" just fucking drop that, Seriously.
I think im done for the moment, Now me and Misery are going to have a nice long talk.

Of love

Did you expect love to be easy?
Really...
Love is a complicated feeling.
You may feel something that the other person doesn't
That click they don't feel, but you wish they did.
Hating yourself doesn't make the person love you,
Blaming yourself doesn't mean its true, Its just not meant to be,
Move on, Look, for someone else.
You can, though you think you cant.
You can be loved.
I know it to be true.
Go, and find love,
But don't fall in love to quickly.
For the fall is long, and the consequences harsh.

And there isnt always someone there to catch you.

Free

This is as close to freedom as I have ever felt,
Out dancing
Singing
Spinning
Laughing
On the roads at night, Sometimes I run till my legs give out,
But its never far enough
To give me lasting freedom.
Maybe in time my legs will carry me further
Yes i will hope for this.
Hope.

Run

If I ran
How far could I run?
If I could distance myself far enough from you would it make me hurt less?
Staring down the road
Wondering
How far Could I run
Probably not far enough...
But I would run regardless
To escape from you...
This world...
Myself...
I want to fade, into a world
where anything and everything can happen
A world...of dreams.

Love

The feeling, piercing my heart like an arrow.

The thought of love

Makes my heart cringe in pain, and longing..

My almost healed wounds still pain me

They still feel fresh when I think of love.

But I want to feel love, Again, without the pain, without the bad memories.

I dont think I can feel again without the pain.

But the pain will be a sharp reminder not to fall to quickly.

Tired.

In 24 hours,
We are suppose to Work, Clean our own houses, get a education, have time for family, and gods forbid you have a girlfriend or boyfriend, and we have to cook, and clean what we then mess up, And have time for ones self, and sleep.

Im tired, where is my 24 hours of rest?

Im tired.
I need rest.

Im tired.
Well, not me exactly, my heart.
It feels like it has been working extra muscles while I myself work myself into near-death.
Its tired now, Like some heartstrings pulled to tight to keep my heart from falling out of my chest. In my blur-of-the-moment lifestyle as of late, Im afraid my heart cant keep up.
It needs to rest, from love, from hate, from feeling, Just for now.
Rest.
Rest.
Rest...

Write and wrong.

My mind is bursting open with characters I created in my head, wanting to be alive even if its on paper. Scenario's just bursting out, Every detail, every thought of hers, his, theirs, Just happen.
I feel like I have stumbled upon a world that only existed in my mind and they just want to be known.

Please stop for a moment let me catch my thoughts!