Ugh.

I was running around all day like a chicken with my head chopped off!
As I was out, A little friend called HELL visited, Ugh!
So when I came home I went and laid in bed reading, It's raining alot too, So I just want to lay in bed and cuddle with someone, Hold them, Touch them, nothing really sexual..just holding and kissing.
I have cramps from hell too, and EVERYONE seems to want to make me angry!
Argh...Well I didn't find a new artist (if I haven't already said that, I forget) her name is Kerli, I think she is awesome I especially like "Butterfly Cry", "Bulletproof", "Love is dead" and "Walking on air" OH! cant forget about "Beautiful day"...
And I found a song i've been looking for, for about a year, it makes me feel better, Just a little.
Well, Im going to go ♥.

I have no idea...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4yTIpcwBTTs
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LDctC82umBk&feature=PlayList&p=BC057E0F64CD2076&index=7
I am so confused.
I'm torn between truth and lies. I believe her but I believe him too.
She says this, He says that.
This is getting to confusing.
I need a break from this, Or we need to figure this stuff out quickly.
My mind is reeling, replaying thing's that have happened these past few weeks.
I can't sleep, And if I do I dream about these thing's.
I don't know what to feel anymore.
Sometimes I feel really happy and good.
But then in the blink of an eye I want to cry and I feel numb and broken.
I can't believe what I hear about him.
I want to be mad, but when I talk to him I can't seem to be mad.
Cause i'm lost in this love daze.
I like it...I wish I could be ignorant to all this.
But I know all of this and I cant seem to forget all of this.
To forgive but not forget, Right?
Heh, I'll be back later to write more, I'm just going to go paint or something.

All i want to

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hHXau3zAe7E&feature=related

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4iTwBI5wrXk

So I watched the movie Juno yesterday, I love it, it was cute and hilarious.

I have been listening to the song in the begining, I cant get it out of my head!

But yeah...I feel alot better today, Dont you just those horrible break down days, bleh!

I'm still trying to dig through this huge pile of shit, I'm so confused and torn into, one person says this, He says that, It's getting confusing and annoying...ugh my brain hurts.

I'll sort through this all, I just have to be patient...way easier said than done.

Maybe at the end of this week i'll go swimming, Go buy some summer clothes, Just something for me, I havn't done stuff for just me in a while.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kudfz5a4vx0

Let me see what else has been happening...hmm...Oh! I am doing some more painting...going to repair my violin bow so I can play soon! So excited!

Hmm...Not alot has happened....Err I drank my weight in margerita...well not really or I would be dead (I weight 125 pounds) But I did drink alot! >.

I'll go now be back later ♥

Tired...

I'm so tired.
I'm tired of arguing.
Of people hating me.
Of being talked about behind my back.
Of living in a house full of people who could give a shit less than me.
Lately i've been blowing up at people, The littlest thing sets me off.
My family does'nt care, Doctor's just try to shove pills down my throat.
I'm tired of those pill's, So I threw them all down the drain.
I'm tired of crying, even when I try not to cry and I feel strong.
I still break down and cry. Like today I was cooking and I got in a fight with my sister, When she left I sat on the couch and I couldnt help but cry my eyes out.
I just want to tell someone everything and have them hold me tight and tell me its OK.
But, i'm here comforting myself, per usual, That's all I need anyway, is just me, myself, and I.
Oh well, enough with what i'm tired with and all this weakness shit.
I've been designing my tattoo, starting with the Alice in Wonderland one first, Me and my older brother are designing my big back tattoo, He has been working alot lately so it's gonna take some time to finish it. I have to go, My nephew, Padrick just showed up.

Of dreams and moon's...

I had a strange dream last night, I was asleep in the dream but when I woke up,.I was in a cage.
And I tried to find a way out, I managed to slip through the bars, but then I had to find a way through all the guards and people there, and I killed them all....it was really....wow...I slit peoples throats open and killed them with my bare hands, but I didnt kill only one person, I dont know why but I couldnt kill him. It was strange and unsettling dream.


But in other news! I did write a new poem thingie, I dont know how good it is, im still reading it to replace some words but I will write it here any way, if I make changes i'll just post them again :P!


I am the crying moon
Longing for the sun
I chase him through the skies
He alludes me every time
I cry these tears of falling stars
Only able to be with my sun at the eclipse
Till then I am the crying moon
Overcome by her longing for the sun



Oh well, I think it sounds good, It could use some tweaks..better words >.



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WWF_DZx-qS0


This morning when I woke up instead of being filled with sorrow and that creeping lonliness feeling...I woke up with energy and very bright. Even though it was raining, it was refreshing, it is doing good for all those plants I planted the past 3 days!
I have a aunt dying, her heart is going out, But I really dont feel like crying, I feel sorry for her that she is dying, but I dont feel like I will cry when she dies...like they say "Mourn for them when they are born, for the hard struggles they have ahead in their life, And rejoice for them when they die". Even though my thoughts of death and of where we go are diffrent from others, but she thinks she will go to heaven, I hope she does. But maybe she will go to the summerland...http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Summerland.



OH! I also read and re-read Wicked Lovely, I loooooooooove that book so much, It's great, I cant wait for the new book to come out! I have to go but i'll write again soon.

I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'll just go sit in the rain.
I'll just pretend that it never happened...
I can't do that but I can try...
I don't think I can...
I really don't...

Im so stupid
I should'nt have said anything
Why did I have to say something...
I hate myself
I hate myself
I hate myself
I hate myself
I wish I could stop thinking
I really do...
Fuck, why did I have to say something...
I dont want to make him hurt
I dont want to make her hurt
I dont want to hurt either though...
I failed at that last one though well...probably at all three.

I started reading "Wicked Lovely" by Melissa Marr!

It's about invisable faeries, apparently faeries arnt as good as we though...! I'll write later on today, I just wanted to post that :P

Few days Gone...

So its been a few days since I posted something.

So i'll try to sum up the past couple day's in one post.

Well...My step-mother has been throwing random temper tantrum's, Usually she would have a big "explosion" once every other week or so, Now she has been blowing up at least 2-4 times a week, Maybe she should see someone about it she keeps looking at her weight everyday I think that maybe thats the problem, She is expecting to lose weight without exercising which is rediculous! So when she puts on some pounds she takes it out on the me. Last night had a temper tantrum, she trashed the house and told me to clean it up, I cleaned it.

Went partying the other day, had a huge migrane the next day...i'm also busy painting some stuff for a friend who will use it in her bar here, So far i've draw some samples to see which ones she likes best but the general idea for the painting is (since it will be in a bar I thought that it would be a awesome painting) Its a girl all dolled up for partying who is naked (nothing is seen in the picture but a little bit of shoulder, but you know "tequila makes her clothes fall off") she has a glass of margerita in front of her and she is smiling...The sample art look's good...I guess.

My dog broke the chain to my new butterfly heart necklace, Luckily I have some extra chain's so its fine now, Other than the claw marks I now have in my chest. I was doing some yard work today, I have to wear stupid sunscreen, I burn to easily. Well this sunscreen smell's like orange sherbert, It smells sooooooo good!

The weekend is here now, it's funny everyone cant wait till the weekend, but I really don't like it...Cause i'm always sitting here waiting (if im not working). Sometimes I feel really pathetic that I sit here and wait for him, If I stop waiting for him will that mean I don't love him? If i do wait does he think that it's pathetic? I don't know *sigh* maybe I should just shut up.

Maybe i'll do something fun this weekend, something unexpected just for me, So I wont feel like such a loser. Go dancing...or drink (Oh yeah that will so help -.-) or watch a movie, paint...anything but sit here and wait.

Well, i'm going to go, I have to baby sit my nephew padrick (he turned 6 months old yesterday! :D)

-Kitten

Numb

"I'm tired of being what you want me to beFeeling so faithless lost under the surfaceDon't know what you're expecting of mePut under the pressure of walking in your shoes(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)Every step that I take is another mistake to you(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)[Chorus]I've become so numb I can't feel you thereBecome so tired so much more awareI'm becoming this all I want to doIs be more like me and be less like youCan't you see that you're smothering meHolding too tightly afraid to lose controlCause everything that you thought I would beHas fallen apart right in front of you(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)Every step that I take is another mistake to you(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)And every second I waste is more than I can take[Chorus]I've become so numb I can't feel you thereBecome so tired so much more awareI'm becoming this all I want to doIs be more like me and be less like youAnd I knowI may end up failing tooBut I knowYou were just like me with someone disappointed in you[Chorus]I've become so numb I can't feel you thereBecome so tired so much more awareI'm becoming this all I want to doIs be more like me and be less like you[Chorus]I've become so numb I can't feel you thereI'm tired of being what you want me to beI've become so numb I can't feel you thereI'm tired of being what you want me to be"

I feel like this today, Even though it's mother's day and I should be celebrating it with my mother and "bond" and all the jazz, I can't cause...I dont have a mother, Sure i have my step-mother but...she isn't a mother to me sure she fed me and kept a roof over my head. But she is never there when i need her she always puts me down, makes me feel like shit. She makes me feel like a posession rather than a person, Only loving me when there is something for her to gain. Who's fault is it though...? Hers or mine, Maybe I did ruin her life. No I refuse to believe this. I was only four years old, I couldn't have ruined her life, She is just blaming me for the mistakes she has made, Yes thats it...!

I really dont love her (I really do, its just im tired of trying to make her love me in return..), Sad isn't it? But the truth is she doesnt love me either. Where is my real mom? I don't blame her for leaving me, She had no choice, But...I was her first born wouldn't she try to contact me, I have brothers and sisters out there that I dont know. It doesnt make me sad really...it just makes me anxious so one day when I do meet them I can share all my love with them.

-Kitten

Day One

Hello, This is just a place for me to..."vent", Hardly anyone will read it so I feel like im just telling this to myself. >.<;


Well,..Yesterday I went strawberry picking with my mother, grandmother, and sister, it was...fun to say the least. The whole time they lectured me about my planned visit to Brazil next year, saying that it was a bad place to go, and there are demons there and all kinds of shit that is ....just stupid! I dont care what they say it's my money, my choice i'm going.
So then we come home, cook some lasagna and such and make cakes from the strawberry we just picked, and got lectured some more (fun fun!) we planned to go shopping for bathing suits, after all, it is "bathing suit" season, even though i still think i'm still kinda...fat, even after loosing 14 1/2 pounds in 3 weeks. Well after a few hours my grandparents finally left, so i get on World of Warcraft (my horrible addiction), and i check Msn and Skype for friends and such, the ONE person i wanted to be on,..wasn't on, Then i got to thinking about another friend (I'm not mentioning names because if they read this they might get offended, I sound so paranoid at the moment >.<) I was thinking how he must feel everyday, Alone with no one there (that doesnt make it sound any better, err) I mean, I have a houseful of people and i'm always busy with something, work, babysitting, always something for me to do, but he...works and comes home and does his lawn, I mean thats all that I know he does, I feel sorry for him he DEFINATLY needs a hug (The definatly was in red text you know he really needs one now!). Well, thats all i have time to write today, busy busy >.<;;;

-Kitten