Dreams of dying.

I dreamt that I was searching.
Searching...
Searching...
Then I stopped as I found something, It wasnt at all what I was looking for, But hey, I found something!
It was a music box, playing an all to familiar song.
The song played on asphyxiating me, And I noticed that I was dying.
Then I spent forever thinking about how painless and beautiful dying had been,
nothing at all what I expected from death.
Then, I awoke in the dream, and I was back with the music box.
I stopped and listened once more, but the once beautiful music turned morose, then to funeral music.
I blinked, And I was looking over my body, in a coffin.
I was dead, I could touch my body, feel the chill of death on my skin.
It was my funeral, And no one was there to mourn me, but me.

Alone Perhaps?

Even though I'm not "Alone", I feel so.
I feel the doubt creeping into me, filling me with artificial fear.
But then I laugh at myself, as I have always told others I am not afraid of anything.
Then as the fear paralysis me I can only think of what I can do next, not that I will do it, But it is always nice to think, Should I tell my family I love them tomorrow? Should I ease the pain I selfishly and unconciously inflicted on my friends? Should I just stop questioning myself and let the dubiety take hold?
Stupid girl, the ambivalence is ripping you apart. Is it worth all this though?
Am I that selfish?
Probably.
And im scared of that.

Guilt.

Let the pain of guilt wrack my soul,
let me feel the pain that I have unconsciously inflicted on others.
I deserve it, I know I do.
It haunts me in the form of nightmares during my escape from reality,
I'm always running into guilt.
The unrelenting pain breaks my heart and shatters my soul,
Though I imagine what I do hurts others more than my guilt,
So I deserve it, I will gladly take the pain.
How masochistic.

Love.

"Love is but the discovery of ourselves in others, and the delight in the recognition."

Perhaps another dream.

In my dreams lately, I'm alone, no one is there for me, no one who ever LIKES me.
At first it makes me sad that I'm alone, the fact that everyone I love, hates me.
As I take their beating, and tongue lashings, I become indiffrent, immune.
The lonliness and hate slowly seep into my soul, and as they continue to beat me, I take it, and the pain feels like a lovers caress, I smile and close my eyes, and then, I wake up.