The death of who I use to be

I still feel sick when I think of taking more pills than I should.
I still feel uncomfortable when people talk about suicide.
I still feel like i'm bothering people all the time.
I still feel like I am ugly.
I still feel like I am not good enough.
I still feel like I am not heard.
I still feel like she won't love me no matter how hard I try.
I still feel like I am being used.
I still feel like I am a little girl.
I still feel like I am a mistake.
I still feel like I am a slave.
I still feel like I don't belong here.


I still feel.

Fake

Haunted by the memories of what was,
Dying by the reality that is now
Crushed by the fake smiles of people I consider friends
Slowly healing
My wounds turn to scars
That I forever carry as proof of my struggles
Covering them up with my masks and water paint happiness
Being washed away by my tears of sorrow and loss
In my head all that makes sense is lost
and I stuck in my temporary insanity
Listening to my words of hate and loathing when I know it's not me truely speaking but someone inside of my heart taking the controls that I can't grasp.

Love and such

Everywhere I go I see images of a "Perfect love"

Of a love so great

Does a love like this exist?

Or is it just a figment of our imagination, Or do we just hope there is a love this true.

Why do we love when we know that it will hurt us most of the time?

Trying to find "The one" is it worth being broken so many times?

I believe in a love that is so great and disfunctional that it the lovers can't help but love each other this much,

I believe...

These days...

Well aside from being shit, The past few day's have been worse and worse...
I am TRYING to keep it together, Keyword "Trying".
I can't sleep, Actually I really don't WANT to sleep, I don't see a need for it.
I can't help but feel sad, I try to be happy, I think happy thought's (How peter pan'ish of me eh?)
I feel like I am a zombie, just getting by through my work.
At work im all smiles and giggles, To make the customers happy, No one wants a mean/sad waitress...
I feel like my heart is....Beaten, And it aches
I am worrying about more people than just myself.
Trying to feel for everyone at once and I know I can't do it but I feel like I should do something...
I am tired....I am hurting...I am happy sometimes though
Random bursts of energy and happiness.
Then the feeling of being down and sorrowful and eh.

Show me love...

Show me love

Dont turn me away

I need you here

I need you to stay

Don't leave me alone

I can't take the silence anymore

Stay with me and show me love...

Love, Lust, Passion, etc

Happy fairy day.

I'm giving my tears to the butterflies, Letting them give my sorrows wings, so they will fly away.

And I will be at peace, if only for a little while.

To live with being distant,

This love wont fall apart

Just listen to me closely

And love me with an open heart

Like Suicide.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wnkt5H5cu1M&feature=related

To trust and to be trusted.

I want to be trusted as much as I trust other people
But I guess i'm to ignorant or stupid so I trust people
I shouldn't trust people like this I guess
But I thought it was suppose to be like that...
I dont think that everyone should trust one another cause eventually someone would fuck it up and then we would learn not to trust, Right?
So I will still be here trusting, And not being trusted.

Eh.

I am on the edge of two emotions...Anger and saddness, With just a bit of jealousy.

Today....

Today I feel...Angry, Sad, Longing, Tired...
I feel like snapping at everyone for the littlest things.
I cant take a deep breath
I feel like i'm drowning in a pool of my emotions
And they are swallowing me whole
My chest crushing under the pressure of all my emotions
I need a way out, I need help...
I fake a laugh or two, Cause...laughing is the best medicine right?
It will help...right...?
It really doesn't seem to but it stop's people asking me if i'm OK.
As long as they don't ask those question's that send my mind reeling even though I know the answers.

No light's

I feel lost

I'm looking down this long tunnel.

I can't see any light at the end of it though.

At least not today.

I'm fading again.

Today it's to much, I can't breathe...

With a knife in my back, I paint my smile back on.

Telling myself "Survive, just survive"

New book for my bday!

I just got the book today as a birthday gift for myself :D
I cant wait to finish it!

Soooo its 1:29 am

And it's officially my birthday June 19th woot.

Door to my window's.

You unlocked the door to my soul

FAERY DAY!!!!!!!!!!

Changing...

Changing is my soul.

Lately it seems to change more and more.

My eyes are clear, I see the truth.

I see the beauty of thing's clearly.

My eyes show the changes in my soul,

Turning shades of green and blue.

Sleep walking day dreaming shadow's...

Today I feel as if I am just a mere shadow of who I use to be.

I feel "diffrent" like i'm not me at all today.

I dont know what caused me to feel this way.

I must be sleep walking in someone else's dream...

In this city of broken hearts, So many streets to walk down.

You'll always have a place in my arms.

Fey me.

This is me, Faery form!

Thanks to my friend Ian with photoshop.

Drawing, Paintings, and butterflies.

I drew the one on the left at the doctors office yesterday, and the butterfly rock is one of 2 I did for my grandmother.

Today...

Today I find myself somewhere between laughing and crying,

Tears come to my eyes, But I let out a laugh.

Sad at the outcome, But still somehow hopeful.

Still it hurt's, But the pain will go away

With the proper medicine: Lots of love, and some support from friends.

Maybe a miracle will happen, There are still miracles...right?

I believe that everyone can make their own miracles.

So I will keep believing, And keep a smile in place of my tear's.

And I will keep living.

Rise above.

Take this pain in me all bottled up inside and set it free

Into this world of shattered dream's

When all the words I say and write are in vain.

Fighting these demons with pretty smiles on their faces out numbering the few angels left here

Even they have lost hope.

And I lost to this neverending battle between what I think is good and what may be evil.

I cannot tell anymore which is which.

Right and wrong.

What is the right thing to do?

I have long since forgotten the diffrence between right or wrong.

Torn between the love of this life, And the friendship of another.

I know which I should choose, but there is alot of stuff left unsaid.

If we got everything out in the open would it change anything?

Would it make this choice easier?

Make everything better?

Probably not.

But still there would be nothing left to hide...

And maybe we can all make this a little less painful.

It wont always turn out right with two souls reaching out for the same heart.

Someone will always get hurt, I wish it didn't.

But this will make you stronger, And someday.

Today, tomorrow, maybe next week, maybe next month, Doesnt matter when.

But you will find someone and he will make you forget the love you lost.

And then you can look back on this all and laugh.

Dream's.

I lay my head down to rest underneath the willows.

The butterflies sing sweet lullabies to me in languages long forgotten

I drift to sleep, And dive into a sea of endless dreams.

Completely submerged in my dreams both good and bad.

I breathe in love and desire.

I exhale hate and pain.

Safe in my dream's, I feel truely free.

And no one can take this away from me.

Two world's.

I see two world's.

Both hang there in front of me like pictures in a frame.

Both drawing me closer.

My soul seems drawn to both, Splitting my soul in two.

Each to one of these world's.

Part of me wonders which world is real

And part of me knows both of them are real.

Not giving up.

Maybe the gods are playing games on me

Throwing all this shit at me, Expecting me to dodge it

Or for it to bring me down again

Evil cupid with his devil tongue whispering to me

His arrows of love peirce the heart's of men that I am around

Then he breaks the love of my other friend's.

Evil cupid, Why do you do this to me?

Did Venus tell you to torment me?

Did I anger you, Or her?

Do the gods just laugh at me and my misfortunes?

I am sorry if I angered you,

But I will not yeild to your wrath,

I will take control of my life and I will live through this,

You will not take me down so easily
For my strength and courage is that of a lioness.

I will not give up.

Somewhere between love and hate.

Butterflies, Colors and Souls.

I drew this the other day, Just randomly after waking up one morning!
Dont have much to say yet...it's still early.
But I am hung over and tired from gardening :P

Tool.

So, In the past week or so that I havn't blogged, I have found out that I could have some serious thing where I can't have kids, This is not confirmed yet. But my doctor said that I will probably HAVE to go on birth control, to regulate my period and bla bla.
But i'm not getting myself upset for something i'm not sure of.
So hopefully i'm ok, Everyone else is acting like i'm dying or something, It's EXTREMELY annoying and makes me worry a little more, But I just keep saying "Don't worry, You are probably just fine!".
Also, My birthday is soon, This Monday I will go to get a bathing suit and spend the day at the lake with my family, yay -.-.
I also got my hair cut again, i'm going to dye it red, I will look like a faery >.
And i'm painting some rocks and stuff to give to my grandmother, She has a bunch of rocks she put's in her garden so i'm painting butterflies on them and stuff for her. It will be a lovely surprise for her.
Well thats all i'm gonna write for the moment. ♥