Surrender

I feel so mixed up inside, I want to breathe but I feel the breath will kill me, This feeling like some kind of snake coiled inside me In that part of my heart that's numb, His words are poison Slowly killing me, I want to forget but it wont go away, I want to breathe. But I cannot draw breath. Lost in a state of deep sadness and misery, Always looking back at the clock your words echo in my head "better, in time" So I wait, I have lost track of the day's...month's. How long has it been since this plague took over my soul. Swallowing me whole in the blur of motions twisting and winding to form a prison to conceal my feelings. Forever fighting back tear's and battling my demon's, Trying to reach a unattainable happy ending. I'm slowly losing this battle for myself.
I
Surrender...

...

The air suffocating me, with invisible hands around my throat
Each breath like a bittersweet ecstasy
Slowly stealing my life in whispers, Making death something sexual.
The inevitability of this my last moment's.
That I welcome with open arm's, To at last be in the embrace of the goddess.
Or whatever lies waiting for me on the other side.

Nights...

For a while, I lay in bed and wonder, and think, and then wonder and think some more....

Here I am...

There you are
There's that fake smile you've almost perfected.
Acting like nothing bothers you
So quick to tell someone off
So soon to get out of this place, away from them.
The pain you wont let out
You just turn your back and walk
away from the pain, away from the real feeling
faking your ok,
Thinking you've lost the game
When your still playing...

Isn't it funny, when the thought of a kiss makes you want to cry, and even though its hott outside, you long for the heat of someone else's body.
And you wish for the littlest things,
You dream about it, You cant get it off your mind...
You want it so badly...
And you know you probably will never get to hold this person, and it slowly eats at you inside.
Till you become a hollow core that lives off of daydreams and might-of-beens.

Don't go...

Chaque fois que tu t'en vas, Je pretends que tout va bien

The sky...

I was thinking earlier, of how the sky is just endless.
And I was also thinking about the ocean...
What if the sky is like an ocean?
The birds are the fish of the sky ocean, maybe there are more variety of birds than we really think, they just live in the clouds!
And the clouds....are like whales but way bigger!

Long days

Thinking of you and talking to you at the end of the day helped me get through my hard work days,
Now that you are gone,...well, at the end of a long day i find myself alone and all I can count on is knowing that I will be alone.
I hate knowing that I gave this much of myself to you, And that you left me for her.
I don't hate either of you.
It just...confuses me...makes me think.
Was any of this....real?
You say you felt bad too, But do you feel as bad as me, I mean, You got HER to lean on for support and love, but me? no...I have me myself and I.
I hate that everyone now treats me like a wounded animal, Some poor creature that cant survive, But you know what, I can survive, I did before I loved, just barely but I did survive.
I would love to say that I dont need you, but I really do, but just because you can move on so quickly doesnt mean I can, Im still hurt, I wont go run off and find someone, Maybe you just wanted this all along so you could be with her, or just with someone else in general.
And her....I really dont know how I should feel about her, Maybe you were destined for each other, I mean she has loved you for awhile, It doesnt end well with two souls reaching for one heart. She is prettier, smarter, older, and lots of other things im not, I really see why you like her.



-Kitten

Tears

This battle of tears I always find myself fighting.
"To cry or not to cry?" that is the question...
But what is the answer?

Alive

I'm alive, but I don't know why.
Could they be hurting as much as I?
I doubt it, They have each other to lean on for support and love.
Me?
I have people who pretend to be there for me but when I really need them they don't have the time of day for me.
The reasons I had for living have all but faded, now i'm living day to day in a fog.
Faking pretty smiles and working myself to death.
For what now though?
For me?
For him?
I don't know anymore...
But thats the thing right?
It's life, im not suppose to know what the next turn lead's me...right?
In this confusing maze of life and love, I find myself in need of a map.

Drowning, Oceans, and crystal souls.

Looking through the broken glass of my heart, searching for a peice of me that I lost during this confusion of love. My heart treated like a revolving door, loving coming and then leaving faster than it the feeling came on. Waves of ill emotions crash over me, And I cant swim, drifting further into this sea of lonliness and sadness drowning in these emotions that love brought on.
There are pleanty of fish in the sea, but I am tired of fishing.
Is that what they do to me though? They catch me, keep me, then decide i'm not good enough then throw me back to the sharks?
Perhaps in time I will grow fins and learn to breathe in this sorrow filled water.

Pathetic.

I feel pathetic
It's the weekend and i'm sitting here alone while all my other friends are out drinking and partying and going to movies and stuff, and i'm sitting here drinking with myself listening to music and photoshopping. I don't feel like going out, to tired from working, my heart still to delicate.
I don't need anyone else anymore though, I only need myself, I won't get broke if I just keep to myself.
Tired of being the "Just friend", I need more than just a friend...
But no, not anymore, It's just a weakness and distraction, I dont need this.
I will just be someone who everyone looks at and talks about behind their backs, and I won't care. I don't care. Not anymore.
I'll put myself together and guard my heart with my life.
I'll find some way of being happy.

Emptiness, My friend.

I'm tired of feeling this feeling,
Though I know it so well.
This emptiness has become a friend
That I seem to lost contact with during this love.
And now that love is absent
I'm left with emptiness.

Last night's dream...

Last night I had a dream, And no matter how many time's I woke up, When I went back to sleep I would dream it again.
I was in this place, Like a mansion, It had a theater area to it, and I was being forced to stay there, I stayed there very long, I wanted to leave badly, And this old woman asked me if I wanted to leave, I said yes, She said that if I gave her my heart that she would help me escape, Desperate to leave I said yes, So she took my heart and later that night the person who owned the mansion place got into a argument with me, We screamed and yelled, and he tried to hit me, but he fell down the steps when I was struggling to escape.
So I finally ran out of the place, It was snowing very heavy outside, but I still ran.
After walking really far I found this place, it was like a palace made of ice and crystal.
I walked to the huge door of the palace and it opened for me, I walked inside and starting looking around, Then I found the old woman I gave my heart to, She didn't look old, but she didnt look young, It was like an illusion if you looked at her a certain way she looked old, but if you looked at her another way she looked young and beautiful.
My heart was on this crystal table, With a sheet of ice over it, Where you could still see through the ice.
I asked her for my heart back, and she said I would have to work to get my heart back, She told me certain thing's to do to get my heart back, So I went through this huge winter land doing the thing's she told me to do, And when I completed them all I went back to get my heart, And she wouldn't give it to me.
I remember trying to cry, But I couldn't.
I told her that she was going to give me my heart back, and when she refused again, I screamed "YES, YOU WILL" and then I started glowing, and the palace started melting, and all of the winterland melted, then she tried to kill me with a crystal rod, When she came at me I moved to the left, grabbed the rod out of her hand and stabbed her in her heart.
And I took mine back, And then I died.
Then I woke up.

Relief

I feel relieved, but still sad too.
I don't have to wait for here anymore, But I still do.
I have to fight the feeling of telling you "I love you", Maybe out of habit, Maybe i'm just trying to convince myself that you will still love me and maybe come back.
In this complex weaving of my thought's nothing seems to make sense to me anymore.

Now

Another mask to drop,

Another "just friend"
Another fake smile and a little laugh.

Dream's of you now turn to nightmares haunting my sleep

Filling my head with cinnamon anger

And my heart with copper sorrow,

Hiding tear's i'll never show

Thinking...thinking....thinking...

The past is gone

The future is to far away to think about

There is only now to think about,

Tonight. This moment...

I just went outside 10 minutes ago,
Everything was still, No wind, No sign of life, Just a bird singing
It was singing in a sad tone, but a happy tune.
I had to stay out there a few minutes to enjoy it.

To break or not to break, Is that really a good question?

I really wasn't upset this morning.
I woke up and got dressed, Went to work.
Worked, came home cooked,
Had family over.
They said I was being a bitch, What new though.
Cleaned, cleaned, now i'm here, for reasons I do not know, But i'm here anyways.

Rise above "this"?

The god's are sending me a sign.
Every station on the radio I turned it to this morning played the song Rise above this -Seether, at least 2 times within a hour.


Last night I had a dream, that everyone in the world was killing one another, worse than regular killing, Everyone was killing people brutally, Stabbing to death, letting them bleed, bashing their face in, Tearing their throat out with their teeth, etc.
Me and like 10 people we're the only ones NOT killing for no reason, We only killed the ones that tried to kill us, Well then we were told to go to this one area and stay there. So we went to the place, and it was were most of the killing was taking place, then suddenly a circle surrounded us and everything outside the circle was swallowed in a bright light, I was blinded by the light, but when I could see again, it was a new world, but everything was alive, The water, The air, The tree's, everything, then as we stepped out of the circle the air took the form of a man that it was dressed in light, he told us what happened and then lead us through this forest and there was a city, but in this new world no one killed and no one abused the earth, it was "perfect".

Thank you...NOT.

Thank YOU, for making ME think that I could be loved
Thank YOU for making me feel like I can have someone care about me this much.
Thank YOU for breaking me up
Thank YOU for making me feel like this
Thank YOU for making me hate you and her,
But love you at the same time

Rainbow's

My eyes are made of rainbow's